Have Faith

I'm not sure if you are people of faith. But we are. I can say, over the last 10 years...my faith has been tested...more than once. I've questioned it. Believed. And held tight to my faith. 

It's not always been pretty. Or something that brought me comfort. But it is something that has given me strength. Grace. And courage. I found in the darkest moments of my life...my faith has grown the most!

I'm not going to lie here. During my Dad's last 6-9 months of life...I was barely hanging on. By the time Sunday morning would roll around, I could barely get him ready. On time. To go to Church with my Mom. 

I'd use the 2-3 hours that they were gone...to sleep. Maybe take a long shower. Mostly cry. Get all of the emotion out of my system, before they got home. I couldn't even imagine going to church. The thing I had done my entire life. 

It didn't mean that I lost my faith. Not by any means. It just meant, that the structure of my faith was changing. I read the bible more. Studied it harder. Spent more time, reflecting with God.

I watched God work through my Dad. I saw God, through my Dad's eyes. It brought me closer to my Maker. To see my Dad, as he was being called home. To watch the peace take over his body, as he was meeting our Maker.

I can say, without any doubt, I met God. When my Dad was dying. He is the reason I made it through that part of my journey. It's not something you can study. Or learn. It has to be lived. You have to experience it, to know it. I've tried many times to explain it...but words fail me.

Even in my Dad's last hours, I chose God over fear. Knowing that my Dad, was going to meet our Maker. Knowing he'd be reunited with our loved ones. That the Angels were calling him home. And our family and friends, would be waiting. To celebrate with him. 

It still makes me emotional to talk about. To try and explain. My Dad passed before Easter. And that Easter Season, my soul was wide open. Ready for God's love, mercy, and grace. I was raw with emotion.

But not once, was I full of fear. No. Even in those last few moments, I had peace. Because I had months, to prepare for those moments. To know, my Dad would no longer be hurting, in pain, or suffering. Did I want my Dad to be with us longer? Yes! But I couldn't watch the cancer eating him alive. 

With my Mom, it's been a bit different. Maybe the experience of the previous 5 or so years. Maybe it's that I'm closer to God. Or that I've survived such sorrow. But it's different.

Even for my Mom. We feel more peace. What's to be, is to be. We can't predict the future. We can't change it. But we can have faith. Not just in God. But in our medical team. In the people who provide her care.

My Mom hasn't been feeling well. For over a month. It started before Christmas. There are moments...and maybe even a day or 2, when she feels OK. But nothing that really turns the tide.

She skipped Church almost the entire month of January. For me, that's always a HUGE red flag. That she's not doing well. For a few weeks, she was sleeping more...than she was awake. 

Sunday we had decided to sell at our Church's Craft Show. Just to get out of the house. We never make a ton of money. It's more about being with our Church family. My Mom had been sleeping a ton, prior. And just not feeling great.

But on Sunday, she went and hung out with some of our friends. Helped them at the food stand. Passing out drinks. Laughing. It was pretty amazing to see! It's just another reminder, of how great God is. When we least expect it, he shows us that he is still in control. I've learned, I have to hold onto my Faith...or I'll NEVER make it through this journey. 💜