He Has No Idea

In every way possible, yesterday was difficult. It had been a highly emotional week. Counseling had been extra difficult this week. Twice. I lost something so meaningful and important. I'm overwhelmed with #Sadmin. 

And my hormones are peaking. The joys of trying to get your health in check. But it's made the week challenging. I completely melted down in couseling...just because I had to walk by all the signs, pictures, and posters in the office. With all the babies. That I'll probably never have. Because I spent the prime of my life...taking care of my parents. And forgetting...I'd like to be married and have kids. And now...I'm close to 40. Single and childless. In the sea of grief. Barely keeping my head above water. 

Yesterday also marked 4 months since my Mom's passing. And although I can normally keep my emotions in check...yesterday was difficult all day! I decided to go on a long walk and make a stop at the Post Office. More paperwork for the insurance company. And on my way home...I stopped to visit my Aunt and Uncle. 

I don't know how 4 months has flown by. I can't express how this last month has been the hardest yet. I wrote down a list of 10 things...that I won't let myself do. At least for a year. Because I don't want grief to be the factor that pushes these things.

I've also written a list of goals. Things I want to do for me. It's so weird to not have anyone to be responsible for. To take care of. Or to check in with. It's both freeing...and crippling.

One thing I thought I would share too...I wasn't that close to my Mom growing up. In fact, we didn't really get along. My Mom carried a lot of childhood trauma. And pain from her first marriage. I know she missed my brother and sister a lot too.

My Dad was the one I was super close to. He was my ride or die. My role model. My protector. My best friend. And my confidant. After losing him in 2015...I knew my Mom needed me. In more ways than one. I became her protector at first. And over the next 7 years...we became best friends.

Those 7 years...mean so much to me. Oh God! I'm so grateful to have gotten to know her. Not just as a Mom. But as a real person. To have spent so much time together. I will cherish those memories forever. So if you are in a rough space with a parent...there is always hope. You just need to be willing to take that chance.

After a rough start to my week...I made the decision to change things. For myself. I put together 4 baskets of goodies. To deliver to Oncology, Radiation, and Nephrology. You can read about it here. 

I also wrapped some gifts. And headed out to deliver them too. A hat that I'd found labeled with my Mom's favorite MA's name. The pin with Dr. N's name. That I found in her jewelry box. And this amazing gift...

My Mom also had bought her favorite doctor, Dr. N a NM pin. Her words..."In case he ever leaves. Something for him to remember NM." It had 2 little chili peppers on it.

She'd asked me a number of times, if he wore hats. I'm not sure how I was supposed to know the answer to that question. But something tells me, my Mom was planning on giving him my Dad's hat collection. Baseball hats from all over the world. Or his Driving Caps. She had cleaned them all. Stacked them nicely. But I just can't part with them. I've actually been wearing a handful of them lately.

But there was a very special gift. This blanket. After my Mom's last oncology appointment...she asked me to take her to Walmart. I can honestly say it had been over a year since she'd last been. But I happily took her. She wandered around the store. Looked at clothes. Bought a few things. A dress for my cousin's wedding. Some other clothing items.

We picked up some of her favorite snacks. And yarn. She stood there searching through all the yarn. Debating colors. Feeling all of them. Debating what to buy. 

"What do you think HIS favorite colors are?" 

"WHO?"

"Dr. Stan. I'm going to make him a blanket. It will be good therapy for my arm. And I just want to make him something. I want him to know he is loved and appreciated."

In some ways, I think my Mom thought of my brother, when she thought of her doctor. I know she missed my brother so much. He passed suddenly and unexpectedly in 2018. Not only did she adore her doctor. But she'd always say things like..."I hope he isn't lonely. I hope he gets to see his family." I think she worried, because I guess they talked about him being far from his homeland. 

I used to really wonder if she saw him as one of her kids. Not in a weird way. But in a protective...motherly type of way. I'm pretty sure, age wise, he'd land somewhere between my brother and I. To be honest, there is 10 years between my brother and I. So that's a healthy assumption. And were my Mom didn't have my brother any longer, she could worry in a mom type of way, about her favorite doctor.

We ate lunch/dinner that day and went home. Got here close to 7PM. I knew she was exhausted. We'd been out much longer than we'd anticipated. That week...she had an appointment every single day. And then we went to run some sort of errand afterward. Something we never did. But she wanted to cram it all in that week. Before my cousin's wedding. And another round of chemo.

That night...we came home. She pulled out her crochet hook and started this blanket. In about 5 days...with all those appointments and a wedding...my Mom finished two thirds of the blanket. 

There are 3 things I remember so clearly about that week...

1. We watched an episode of the Resident. When the mom of one of the characters dies of cancer. My Mom cried. So hard. We didn't talk about it during the show. But when it ended...she looked at me and said...

"When I go, promise me that you'll continue to live. You won't give up. Or get consumed in grief. You'll find the love of your life. And you'll have my grandbabies. Please promise me that." My Mom had 3 kids. I'm the youngest...by 10 years. 

My Mom never had any grandchildren. Since her passing. I've found 10 boxes filled with baby and kid items. She wanted to be a grandma as bad as I want to be a mom. It breaks my heart...that she never got to experience this. And now with all my health issues, I wonder if it's my fate to be single and childless.

I had no words. What could I say? I cried so hard! And from that point on...had this nagging voice. In the back of my head. Wondering if she knew her time was near...

2. Another night we were watching Grey's Anatomy. When the married couple go into surgery together. She turns to me and says..."I know someone you can spend your life with. And you 2 could save lives too." She had this twinkle in her eyes. And I could only assume who she meant. 

"Will you ever tell him what you did before you took care of me and Dad?" The honest answer is...I don't know if I'll EVER tell him. Because how do I explain where I am now? How my life is so drastically different. How I feel like such a failure today.

And would he care. Outside of my Mom's care, would our path's have ever crossed. Would we have ever spoken. Would he have ever given me the time of day? So why would he care what my career used to be? He's the nicest guy. But I doubt he thinks about me in any capacity.

3. The latest thing I remember...how passionate my Mom was about this blanket. Like she was working against the clock. I spent that Sunday sleeping. Completely exhausted from the wedding! I woke up to my Mom having finished 2 colors. And having eaten my leftover tacos from the wedding. 😆

Tuesday she ended up in the ER after her bloodwork. All day. Then we came home. She slept most of Wednesday. But still worked on this blanket that evening. By Thursday...I was concerned again. She was worried too. And asked me to take her back to the ER.

I quickly showered. Fed the dogs. Threw a few things in a bag. And went to get my Mom. Who was carefully folding up this blanket and laying it on the corner of her bed. 

"Close the door Desiree. I don't want the dogs to lay on it. If I get admitted will you bring this to me? I don't want it to get messed up in the ER."

We had no idea what lay in front of us. Tuesday we had anticipated an admission. And were sent home right before midnight. My Mom didn't want to be admitted. But told me...she knew something wasn't right. I could never have imagined how things ended. 

But on that Thursday, she was determined she'd finish HIS BLANKET. Before winter. So he'd have something to keep him warm. And we left. I never once thought...that she wouldn't return. Or that her precious blanket wouldn't be finished. It sat on that corner of her bed for 3 months.

I'd cry when I saw it. I was angry. I still am. For various reasons. I think I skipped the sad part of grief. But every single day I'd pass by this blanket. Neatly folded. On her 3rd month anniversary...I decided to look at it. 

I picked it up. And neatly tucked under it were her notes. At the top...Stanley's blanket. And I just lost it. Sat there and cried like a baby. She had notes about what colors she was using. How many rows of each. Her crochet hook tucked into the blanket. The yarn in her closet. 

With a note at the bottom. "For Christmas. I hope he likes it. I want it to be comfortable for him. And keep him warm." I sat there and cried for an hour. 

It was hard for my Mom to write. She had a broken arm that wouldn't heal. Before that last appointment with her oncologist...she sat and wrote him a card. It took her almost a week. I'd find her working hard writing. Every day...she wrote something. I have no idea what she wrote to him. But I know she had bought him a pair of socks. One that I tried to convince her...to let me keep. Because they were NASA socks. And I'm a bit of a space geek. But in the end she handed him, her card and socks on that last day.

Funny how those last two appointments...he had a lot of time to just talk. We rarely used the entire appointment time. But those last 2 visits...we all just sat there talking. For the entire time. He was so relaxed. We talked about potentially changing my Mom's treatment. She asked him about his life. It was all just comfortable and easy.

So I can only imagine how long it took her to write that note. About the blanket. With all the directions. Her little comments. Under everything...I found, "Don't forget to make him biscochitos too." She worried that he didn't eat enough. That he was too thin. I tried to remind her, he was just healthy. Didn't she remember what I was like when I worked. 95 lbs soaking wet. You have to be in shape for this kind of job.

"Desiree he seems too thin. Like you were when you worked. Do you think he is single? That no one cooks for him. Or takes care of him. He should have someone to cook for him. All men need to be taken care of." You would have thought she was his mother. 

I used to silently wonder if my Mom was throwing hints my way. If she had lived...would she have tried to be our matchmaker? I know she wanted grandkids. But I also think my Mom worried about me. If I'd ever let anyone in. To love and take care of me. In her way, I think she was trying to do that here. Take care of both of us.

It took me a while to actually get myself together enough to work on the blanket. I went through a bunch of hooks...to match her stitch size. I sat down and would start crocheting...and all I'd do is cry. So there are lots of my tears in this blanket. 3 times, I fell asleep while working on it. And would wake up feeling at peace. Something I haven't had in years! 

I contemplated keeping the blanket. It's the last thing my Mom made. I don't have anything that she's made. Probably because I also crochet...my Mom never made me anything. And how special would that be. A blanket we both worked on. 

But no. She intended it for her Doctor. And I was determine to get it to him. On the day of the Queen's funeral...I got up in the middle of the night. And started working on it. It was done in 2 days. I snapped a picture and wrapped it up.

Later I hoped he doesn't have dogs or cats. Because they probably smell my dogs. Or I hope he or no one he lives with...is allergic to dogs. I didn't think of that. 

Before I walked into the office Thursday...I cried in the truck. Because as I'm slowly ticking off the boxes on my Mom's To-Do List...it's just a reminder that more and more pieces of her are leaving me. 

I honestly halfway hoped I'd see her doctor. To see his expression when he opened the gift. But also knew it would probably be too much for me to handle. A double edged sword.

So fast forward to yesterday. I was having a tough day. On another 12 mile walk. Because that brings me so much peace. And I stopped to visit my Aunt and Uncle. Part of this last month that I haven't discussed...is how I've isolated myself from others. Its just been hard to deal with everything. 

So I go walking. Solo. With the dogs. But every single day. I don't really see my family. Because they give me anxiety. I have 2 aunties and 2 cousins that I keep in touch with. Because my therapist told me to at least keep some line of communication open. To let people know I'm alive. So there is one on each side. 

But I felt like I needed to not be home yesterday. The house just closes in on me some days. Like on her anniversary. I was sitting and chatting with my Auntie when the phone rang.

I was so surprised to see the Oncology Office number. After 5PM. On A Friday. I excused myself. And went to sit outside. 

His familiar voice filling up the air. Peace taking over me. And that oh too familiar feeling of safety...and tears. I listened to him. I could swear he was fighting the tears as well. You could hear the emotion in his voice. Dr. N just has this very calm and soothing voice. And there is something about talking with him, that brings me peace. And makes me feel instinctively...safe.

The tears silently came like a waterfall. And I tried my hardest to keep my voice steady. So many things flashing through my mind. So many questions. So many things I wanted to say. But I couldn't get them out. I'm not great with words. I'm naturally a quiet and shy person. I find it really hard to open up. To make the thoughts in my brain...flow to the words coming out of my mouth.

I don't cry a lot. I really don't. This week has been an exception to the rule. I especially don't cry in front of people. I'm not sure why. Almost like I feel like I need to be brave and strong for everyone else.

But this man puts me at ease. I feel safe talking to him. And the emotions just bubbled up yesterday. After weeks of therapy...I'm learning that some people just do this. My therapist's words..."Some people connect with our souls. We have no idea why. But they make us feel safe. Find those people. Let them help to heal you."

Much like a conversation in June...I had so much to say. But didn't know how to say it. I honestly can't tell you what I managed to say. How it came out. Just that this conversation brought me so much peace. It wasn't long. But it brought me a peace that I've been yearning for.

I'm forever grateful to this man. He quietly snuck into out lives. After countless oncologists that my Mom had seen. None that she really trusted. He was just an unexpected blessing.  

Where I 100% trusted Dr. T...he was a lot for her to handle. I'd had the history with him...because he was my Dad's oncologist. And I was my Dad's caregiver. My Mom only saw him once while my Dad was sick. The man was loud, full of energy, and was aggressive in the way he communicated. 

All the Oncologists prior to him...my Mom hated. Dr. S...my Mom just didn't like her. I'll admit she was very cold. And barely spoke to us. All the doctors at the other Cancer Center had been horrible too. We'd seen 9 doctors in 9 months. You were just a number in their little Cancer Machine.

But Dr. N. He made some sort of impression on my Mom. He brought comfort to my life. Suddenly I didn't have to worry about everything. We had a doctor that was taking care of the bits he was supposed to. And my Mom was comfortable around him. She trusted him. And really was happy to let him lead her care. 

That first meeting between them...I had to stay in the car. Because of #COVID19. My Mom came out of that appointment practically walking on clouds. "Wait until you meet him! He's wonderful. I trust him with my entire life. Desiree I have a good feeling about this."

I can still see her smiling face. She was so excited! I was impressed that they called me on the phone. And I still got to be part of the appointment. We'd never had a doctor do that before. Or someone that knew our names the minute they saw us. I was completely shocked. In the best of ways.

He again shocked me when my Mom was admitted to the hospital last summer. And on our first full day there...he came walking through the door.  All smiles. And before you ask...yes we were all masked up. But some people's smiles reach their eyes. Their entire face just lights up. He's one of them.

I'll never forget his bedside manner. How he always talked to my Mom. Got down on her level. Even if it meant he knelt on the ground. Looked her straight in the eyes. Made her a part of the conversation. Made sure she understood everything he was explaining to her. To me...that shows his character. 

I was a caregiver for 12 years. I worked in the medical field prior to that...for 10 years. Trust me when I say...this is unusual. He made both of us feel at ease. We could ask any question, at anytime. 

Frequently when we went to appointments I'd sit in the chairs behind him. While my Mom sat next to him. So I could read the computer. Back to...do I think he knew what I did before? Maybe. It was a purposeful decision for me. So I could read the reports as he pulled them up. I'd also very consciously edit how I talked to him. Don't let too much medical garb...fall out your mouth. 

What I will tell you is. I'm grateful to this man. He put my Mom at ease. She enjoyed her visits with him. Didn't second guess tests or treatments that he recommended. She was 100% at ease with her doctor.

For me...I was confident that my Mom was getting the best possible care. He may have been new to the Office. But I was so comfortable with him being the person...that took care of my Mom. I trusted everything he recommended. Much like nephrology...I never had to second guess him.

Along the way, I started to feel motivated to go back to work. To pursue more education. Something about THIS doctor...lit a flame under me. When my Dad passed away...I started to get curious about oncology. What would it take to pursue this career? I once had a talk with Dr. T about this...

But when Dr. N came into our lives...he really got me interested in THIS field again. In working. In making a difference in other people's lives. There is just something about the way he cares for his patients. 

On this side of things...I've really become interested. I reached out to my almamater. Received the packet of information. Talked with my old supervisor. Who was so excited! And encouraged me to go for it. He said I have a solid skill set...to build on. Explained that my time working in the ICU and my personal experience with cancer...had the potential to make me really good at this field. 

In some ways, I'd like to reach out to Dr. N...to just pick his brain a bit. About the field. The educational process. What it's really like. But then I'm like...these guys have enough on their plates. They're always busy. But that gut feeling...is pushing me towards the field. 

When I talked with my old supervisor, he recommended I speak with the Cancer Center's director. Ask about potentially shadowing one of the physicians. For a week or so. Both in the office and in the hospital. See what they really do. If I am ready for this. If it's something I want to do. To see if this is a good fit for me. But I'm nervous about talking to anyone from the office. It's something that I really want. So I need to be brave enough, to reach out to one of the doctors.

The way I see it. I have no responsibilities right now. I mean after I settle the Estate...my life is completely open. I have a blank page to fill up. I'm not married. I have no kids. No real pull to take me back to my previous career. Why not start fresh? Why not take 12 years of heartache and pain...and turn them into something positive?

There are a few things keeping me on the fence. I promised myself to not do 10 big things in this first year. Because I'm positive they'd be motivated by grief...and not by logic. There's the money. God why is school so expensive? I wouldn't mind the move back to Texas. But the money for school. And honestly my age. Is 40 too old to start a new career path? That would require years of education...

These are probably my biggest fears. And the real reason I'd like to talk with an oncologist. Maybe if I was braver...I'd call the office. Offer to buy Dr. N lunch or dinner. And then spend an hour or 2...asking all the questions that are floating around my brain. Until then...Mom, Dad, and God...please keep guiding me.

Also God...Thank You for Dr. N. I'm positive that I would have lost my mind without him. I know he gave my Mom the best care. We always knew her time with Cancer was limited. But you sent us on angel on Earth. For that alone, I will get on my knees every single night. To Thank You God. You knew who we needed. And exactly at the right time. Please keep him safe and healthy...so he can help many more families. 💜