She Is Brave

 I keep telling my Mom just how brave she is. I don't think she realizes it. I think she doubts herself. My Dad's journey keeps creeping in. When you don't want it to. She thinks of everything he went through. And she gets scared. I get it. 

But with all her injuries. All the set backs. All the pain. My Mom is pushing forward. Yesterday was the first time, I saw her super anxious and not in full control. It was tough. And I was struggling with that. 

Because anyone that knows my Mom, knows how strong she is. She is fierce! The kind of lady that you don't want to fight with. I don't remember her falling apart when my Dad was sick. We all had that initial shock. Cried. And then picked up the pieces to help him on his journey.

Yesterday we couldn't calm my Mom down after her MRI. She's had them before. But something was different yesterday. And today, she needed a Lumbar Puncture. It's not anxiety before the procedure. So much as it's post-scan/test. And the anxiety isn't even about waiting on results. It's about the procedure. 

Today they needed to see if she could lay on her stomach or right side. And we were struggling. The techs downstairs kept calling. My Mom was in so much pain. But she was trying. Eventually the doctor made the decision to just send her downstairs. Let that team, take a go at it. So we'd stop tiring her out.

They ordered transport. And we prayed. It also happened that a priest had come by earlier. To pray, bring us communion, and to anoint her. So we prayed some more. I asked various people to pray. And right now, they are downstairs.

But my Mom is so brave. She needs this test to confirm the type of cancer that is present. And so they know how to move forward. I know my Mom was scared. I saw the shaking hands. The silent tears that escaped her eyes. And I heard it in her voice. But when her tech walked in the room, she told her, "Let's do this."

My strong Mom is out there being strong. She's so brave. And she's a fighter. Boy is she a fighter! Please keep her in your prayers. I don't normally document these things on here. But I want you to know, my Mom is brave. And we're going to fight this fight together. 

As a caregiver, I might cry. Like today. In the stairwell. Because my Mom was in so much pain. And trying to be brave. Not asking for meds. I might cry, when the doctor says something. And I'm so grateful we have to wear these masks. That absorb all my silent tears. That I hope I'm hiding...but they're probably falling anyway. 

I've been trying to practice some self care. Even here at the hospital. Sunrise walks around the hospital. Visiting the little bunnies in the garden...2 or 3 times a day. Running up and down 6 flights of stairs...4 times. At least twice a day. Little things. Taking a few minutes to shower. Also allowing myself to feel things as they're happening. Even if I cry in the stairwell. I'm not ashamed. I know this is hard. I know we have a long road. And I know I'm only human. I just hope...I'm half as brave as my Mom. 💜