With my friend's upcoming wedding...there has been a lot of marriage talk lately. Can you believe I was voted, "Most likely to get married and have kids first"...as a high school senior? I'm more like the "Last Woman Standing."
I didn't date in high school. My parents just didn't believe in that sort of thing. I was also preoccupied with school and school activities. A couple of weeks into college...I almost got married. To a man I wasn't dating. I'd known for a few short weeks. I was attracted to him...but we didn't know each other. In all honesty, we were trying to find a way to pay for college. Because it's expensive! And who wants to take out loans? Especially since I now had a mortgage.
You read that right. I was 18 years old. Had been living alone in my 3 bedroom home for nearly 3 months. Hundreds of miles from anyone I knew. Struggling to pay for college. Which I never wanted to attend. I wanted to go to design school. Secretly I wanted to get married and have 12 babies. Live on a Ranch.
So I met a boy. Technically a man. Who was a musician like myself. We had a lot in common. And we heard about his friends who'd recently gotten married...and wait for it! College was completely paid for, for the newlyweds. Some loophole at the time, in our state.
So we devised a plan. Get a marriage license between rehearsals on Tuesday. Which meant going to the Student Health Center on Monday. Before our gig on Friday, we'd go to the Courthouse. And get married. We'd live in our separate homes. He lived about 1/2 mile down the road from me. And when we had our home interview...we'd stage it. Move some of his stuff into my home. In all honesty, all of our stuff combined, still wouldn't have filled up half of my house. Neither of us had much furniture.
Little did we realize...we are both very traditional chicanos.
The day came. We were in our trajes. Had one hour and an appointment, before we had to hit the road to go work. In the desert...we were having the worst rainstorm of the year. Water was gushing down the roads. And my pal...was very sweet. Had gone to a Pawn Shop. Bought 2 very simple rings. Brought some roses. Hit the, "Something new, something old, something borrowed, and something blue." Carried me into the Courthouse. So I wouldn't get wet.
And we waited. 18 year old me. Sitting there, waiting to marry a 21 year old man. That I'd known for 2 weeks. I luckily knew his last name. But not much else. He played the guitar. Was getting a business degree. And was a fan of hats. In the end, the judge was running late. And we had a paying gig to get to. We left. Said we'd try again in a week or two. But fate intervened. 9/11 happened. The entire world changed. Eventually my friend got a scholarship through a local tribe. And your girl, spent her college years living alone, in that 3 bedroom home. With a mortgage that stressed me out, more than finals and clinicals combined!
At different times of our lives, we'd both regret leaving the Courthouse unmarried. But we both know now, that had we gotten married, it would have been for good. We would have had those 12 babies. And lived on his family's Ranch. But neither of us would have finished college. He wouldn't have chased his dreams. And accomplished so much in his career. And who would have taken care of my parents? Maybe this was the way it was meant to be. Just friends. With a funny story to share.
Ironically, we'd try to date later. Long distance. We'd almost kill each other. My calm self, would launch a stiletto in his direction. He'd launch a 5 carat engagement ring into the Atlantic. We wouldn't speak for 5 years? And now, it's his baby brother that's getting married. Neither of us are married. Or dating. Maybe I'm just meant to be alone forever.
But their older sister, asked me something that got me thinking...
When you get married...will you change your last name? Two things big sis...If I ever get married. Because honestly, I'm currently traveling a dead end road. And I'm pretty sure that I'll never figure out how to navigate dating or having any sort of relationship. I'm being brutally honest here. I'm 40 years old...and I can't even figure out how to make a friend. The people I talk to most every week, are the security guards were I volunteer. Oh and my trashman.
I had my head stuck in books for too long. My parents had certain expectations. Oh, and the pandemic happened...the entire world changed. I'm incredibly shy. And unsure of myself. In that aspect. So marriage? You'd need to date first. Probably on some level be friends before that. I just don't have those life skills. I wish there were arranged marriages in my culture. Maybe I'm too old? Too independent at this point. Maybe not pretty enough.
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I am very much a traditionalist. In a ton of ways. I believe women should have dreams and careers. But in the deepest part of my heart, I feel like once you get married and have kids, you should be home. Making a home. Taking care of things for your husband...the provider. Spending time with your children. Loving and nurturing your family. Probably because I didn't have that growing up.
My parents owned a business. My entire life. I was left alone a lot. A lot! Or with my grandparents or one of my aunts. I didn't have siblings or cousins near my age. So I hungout with a lot of grownups. Mostly elderly people. In a very traditional neighborhood. It's the life I always wanted. Not sure when I took such a HUGE detour...
I spent my 20s in college. Struggling. Working 100 different jobs at once. Bought a home and paid it off. My 20s were all about work. I figured my 30s would be all about having fun. I'd date then. I'd have a solid career. I'd have time. I could find love. Have those babies I always dreamed of. And create the close family that I never had. But my Dad got sick. Then my Mom. And one day, I woke up and they were both gone. I was alone. And near 40.
So now I'm highly skeptical that I'll ever be married. I never dreamed of a big wedding. I was more like the girl that was in 150 weddings. I've donated so many bridesmaid's dresses, that the local charity shop thought I owned a business. But that has been my solid role in life. Help my friends find spouses. Plan their weddings. Be in said weddings. Then be the Godmother to at least one of their babies. My favorite part has been, all the beautiful Goddaughters. And now my one Godson. I do have friends. We just live 100s if not 1000s of miles apart. At one point of my life, I made some friends. Even if I can't figure out how to make a friend...in the city where I currently live.
I used to joke with my Mom. That I was going to find me a Maintenance Man in the hospital. We'd get married during our lunch break. At the Courthouse. By a JP, instead of a priest. I'd wear my scrubs. And we'd go eat in the hospital cafeteria after. My Mom was devasted! None of her kids got married or had babies in her lifetime. She dreamt of the big weddings and all that stuff for me. She'd tell me, to at least let her know beforehand. So my parents could be there. I worked about 4 hours away from my parents' home. They'd need a little time to get there.
And now? Well, I feel like I'm too old for the big wedding. Are there things I'd like...if I potentially got married? Yes! Many traditions from my culture and faith are so beautiful. But I feel like I have 5 family members who are still alive. That's what happens when you're the baby of 9. And cancer blows up your family.
So would I change my name? Maybe. A strong maybe. In a past lifetime, I'd say yes. I'd stay home. Be the house maker. Who cooks breakfast for her husband every morning. Packs him a healthy lunch. Stays home with her babies. Is involved with all the school stuff and activities. Cleans and does all those traditional roles. Including having a hot dinner on the table, every night. At least put one of my degrees to good use.
But then there is this incredibly independent and resilient woman, who has survived so much! I feel like I should be twice my age. I put myself through college. I bought a home. I took care of my dying parents for 12 years...completely ALONE! That lady says...you're not taking my last name. My degrees were earned with my Maiden name. And I'm keeping those roots. Not changing it. Not hyphenating anything. Just keeping it.
I'd also like to avoid the MVD and any future eye exams at all costs! So I'm keeping it. But I know, if I met the right man. If we had children in any capacity, I'd want us all to have the same name. If he was the bread winner and all that jazz...I'd definitely do it. Without a doubt...if children were involved.
Fun fact, my parents got married very quickly. They began dating in March. They took a road trip to Mexico. In April. And got married. It wasn't legal in the US. But to the two of them, they were married. I arrived the following March. And it wasn't until I was 5 years old...that I began to ask all the questions. I was very concerned with the fact...that we had different last names. While every other kid in my school, had the same last name as their parents. Both parents. It was the 80s.
I harassed and harassed. By the beginning of December, my parents got married. A big wedding! I believe my Auntie and I planned the entire thing. She used to watch me when I was younger. I was even in my parents' wedding. It was the best day! I can still remember being so excited. Not by the beautiful dress or the delicious cake. But the fact that we all had the same last name.
If the time comes, and I know there will be no children. If I am working in my career. If my diplomas are being used. There is a very good chance, I'll keep my name as is. Even for this very traditional woman, there are some things worth fighting for.
And some worth sacrificing. I feel like a woman who changes her name, should be taken care of. Almost like, if your husband is taking you on as his responsibility. Financial and physically. If you intend to have children. A name change is and should be expected.
But if I'm basically just going to live my life, like I currently do. And I'm just adding in a partner. Well then, we're partners. If I'm contributing 50% of the financials, we have no children, why should I make that HUGE change? Life is just so different now. I mean, even the thought of dating...makes me want to stay single forever. Because the men out there dating now...they got one thing on their mind. That's it. They have no sense of loyalty or commitment. Forget being responsible for their kids...much less a wife!
The fact that they expect you to drive yourself to the date. Pay for yourself. Then have sex with them. Never to be heard from again. Nah. I'm just not into that. Remember I said I'm a traditionalist. I expect a little bit of courting. Some romance. For you to at least buy me dinner. Not judge me based solely on my appearance...meanwhile you're 30 lbs overweight. Get winded walking from the door to the table. And have no cash to even leave the staff a tip. No, I'm good. I can take myself out to dinner. Meanwhile, me and my chubby legs are running 5 miles a day. Not for looks. But for health.
So Big Sis...I'm probably going to be single, childless, and with the same name forever. I ain't mad about it. Just disappointed, that this is where I let my life trainwreck into. Alone in a hole. Trying to adopt a baby. We'll talk about that...another day. For now, this single lady is going to enjoy 3 days of wedding fun. If nothing else, let me find a good dance partner. I need a little bit of fun in this life. 💜
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