What A Tuesday!

Tuesday what is going on? It's not quite 10AM. And I feel so out of sorts. I didn't sleep great last night. But honestly, that's nothing new. Or groundbreaking. But I woke up feeling so anxious. I was able to get myself ready on time. I basically ran to the bus stop. And then the bus never came...

I waited for almost 40 minutes. The bus I usually take, didn't show up. The second line that goes through the same area...never came. But that bus is notorious for not showing up. I checked online...and there was no bus on the way. So I was getting ready to walk to the main bus depot. And here comes a bus. By a miracle of God...I made my connecting bus. 35 minutes later than normal...but I made it.

Once I got to my normal stop, I realized I didn't put on my shorts, under my dress. About a month ago, I learned this the hard way. I'm positive I flashed everyone going into work one morning. Not on purpose. Just a sudden burst of wind. So I was being cautious on my 4 block walk. That includes going over a freeway. 

When my cousin's ex-wife popped out of nowhere. Stopped in the middle of the busy street. She wanted to give me a ride. I was less than 2 blocks from where I volunteer. So I assured her I was OK. And we were blocking traffic. She then told me to tell my Mom Hi and that she missed her. I nearly burst into tears right there. She didn't know my Mom died over a year ago. It was so weird. I just stood there. Like if someone had hit me over the head. That was a first.

In the end, I was only running about 40 minutes late. Which isn't really late. If I'm supposed to be checking in at 9:30AM. But I'm used to being early. Not rushing. Having some time to go pick up something to eat. Because I'd forgotten my breakfast at home. The Gas Station had already sold out of the yogurt I usually buy. They didn't have any bananas. So I left.

At this point, on a normal day, I'd go for a 20-30 minute walk around the neighborhood. But I didn't have time today. So I walked across the street. And towards the building where I volunteer. To almost be hit by a doctor. Whom I'm going to guess...was late to work. Because it was 8:20AM. And he was driving like a crazy man. It was me, a Porsche, an elderly lady that was slightly ahead of me with a walker, the big work truck that was trying to get through, or the curb. He ended up driving over the curb, hitting the landscaping, and yelling at all of us. I just thought...either you were going to kill that lady or me. Or crash into that Porsche. And then I'm assuming there would have been a ton of trouble. Because the owner likely would have had a heart attack...over being hit in a parking lot.

So I came straight to check in. I'd originally planned to go to Medical Records. Because I need my parents' records for my Genetic Testing. But I was already out of sorts. I actually checked in 2 minutes before my usual time. But this morning has really thrown me. 

I also forgot I was meeting someone who had ordered a stuffed toy from me. So I had to dash outside. And the parking lot is so full today! Since I got here...there was very little parking. What is happening today? I got to my customer. And back inside. To find the Gift Shop a mess. And not stocked. So I spent a good 40 minutes doing that before opening. 

Lately, I've noticed things like time...really get me flustered. Or if something throws my day off. I struggle to steer things in the right direction after that. I don't know what it is. I was prescribed some meds for anxiety. But if you know anything about me. I don't like to take medication, unless I absolutely need it. So I haven't been taking them. But I probably should have taken one this morning. I still feel jumpy. And not myself. Plus I'm so hungry!

Thank You!

It's not been the best week. Monday I had a big mix up with the pharmacy. I had a very emotional appointment at the OB/GYN. Why is the entire place covered in posters of babies? The hallways. The exam rooms. The checkout desks.

For someone like me...who's always wanted kids. It's hard. Just to go there. I was there for a shot and a checkup. To see if all the hormones are helping get my body back into a cycle. And I cried. Meltdown type of crying. I held it together in the waiting room. In fact, I gave one mom some breastfeeding tips. My years of working at WIC sometimes come in handy. 

But going into the exam room. It all just came out. And I cried so hard. The poor nurse. She was new to me. Because my midwife retired. And I'm now being floated between anyone who can see me. 

I'm also at a hormone peak. So I'm sure that doesn't help. Apparently my peak ovulation day was Tuesday. And my new midwife tells me, "Go home and get busy. You're not too old to be a momma." The tears silently soaked the inside of my mask. 

I almost wanted to ask...you got any single guys around here? Good ones. Not the creeps that keep sending me DMs on Instagram. Or the ones who scream cat calls at me when I'm running. Or the lazy ones who are looking for a Sugar Momma. But a good man. To not just make babies with. But to share my life with.

I kept my mouth shut. Let her do her exam. And ultrasound. Had my shot and left. The pharmacy messed up my Flu Shot appointment. And I had the world's toughest counseling session yet. I basically spent 2 hours in the fetal position crying. Childhood trauma is tough. Especially since I've never talked about these things before. To anyone. 

I was determined to make Tuesday better. Left my house early...but somehow still had to run 2 miles to Walgreens. Because I was somehow late to my appointment. Afterward I decided to take a stroll around our Old Town. And was devastated when the chain to my Mom's necklace broke. And I lost her cross. 

I spent hours retracing my steps. Crawling on my hands and knees. Going through the grass. Asking tourists if they'd seen it. Talking to shop keepers. Eventually sitting in the grass and crying. And I'm not even a crier. But this means so much to me. It was a symbol of her faith. How much she loved and trusted God. I still can't believe what happened...

Eventually I grabbed something to eat. Called my cousin and my Auntie. Because I needed to make sure they could help me next week. I'm having a colonoscopy and endoscope. And need to arrange my rides. Then...I talked to GI for a bit. 

Yesterday I walked back. Spent more hours searching. Praying. Talking to more strangers. Writing little MIA posters out. And taping them around. Surprisingly enough...many strangers helped me. I'm so very thankful. 

I even met a man who is a Metal Detector enthusiast. He was teaching me all about it. We searched for hours. With no luck. So I returned home after a trip to the grocery store.

Over 3 miles from the grocery store to my home.  Carrying pounds of fruit home. I was so tired. Emotionally spent. But I decided to work on one of my Mom's last requests. Thank You baskets for her Medical Team. 

I should have gotten better pictures. But I spent the entire night baking cookies. Then had an early Counseling session today. Another appointment. And a job interview. So I snapped this in the back of my Auntie's truck. Right before I started delivering them.

You know what? It made me feel so good! I showed up to Radiation first. I purposely went around lunchtime. Thinking...the offices will be much quieter. Less chance of running into someone I might know. Is that weird? I just didn't want to lose it...in a full office. Especially coming from a job interview. More on that later.

The receptionist was so grateful. My Mom never needed radiation. But I spent so much time there with my Dad. We did use other services in that office. Mostly the Dietitian. So I wrote a little card. And dropped off the basket. Happily accepted a hug. And went on my way.

I went next door. I mean I probably looked hilarious! Pencil skirt and stilettos. Carrying a gift bag bigger than myself. A smaller bag. 2 large buckets of snacks. And a gallon sized bag full of pills. This is my 3rd drop off of meds. How did we accumulate so many?

I didn't see anyone that I knew. Not the guy who usually greets us at the door. And checks our temperature. Not nurse Jackie. Or my Mom's MA Orly. I didn't run into her Oncologist. Or even see Melissa the clerk. 

I managed to get into an elevator. Prayed I wouldn't drop anything, fall down, or see anyone I know. Emotionally I wasn't sure I could handle it. I snuck by check in desks and made it to the checkout desks.

Only one person was working. I had never seen her before. So I had a seat. Covered in things. While the clerk helped setup appointments for a patient. And I kept thinking to myself...I'd like to work here one day. To be helpful to people. To be in this environment...were you make such a difference.

I was also silently praying...that my Mom's MA or Oncologist wouldn't wonder through the door. Maybe coming back from lunch. Or between patients. Because I knew I would burst into tears. And I wasn't sure that was the best for any of us.

After 30 minutes. Nearly having a heart attack because another oncologist, Dr. R walked 2 of his patients out during that time. And looking up how long the average oncologist goes to school for...Angela came to chat with me. 

She Thanked me a million times. Hugged me. Asked about my parents. Which got the tears rolling. Who am I? I've never cried this much in my entire life! But she listened to my story. And I just kept thinking...oh God help me get through this. Help me not completely lose it here.

Eventually I asked her about some other items I was needing to dispose of. A box of sharps. Liquid meds. A few narcotics. She disappeared into the back again. My anxiety started to get out of control. All of this is so new to me. But I tried to stay calm.

Eventually she came back with some answers. And a nurse. And more hugs. I was so happy to make a positive impact on them. Give them a little bit...of what this office gave my parents and I for 9 years.

I'm only sad about one thing. I came home this evening. Tried a cookie that I baked. And was not happy with them. At midnight they were soft and gooey. The chocolate chip cookies were so chewy. At 5PM...they'd gone a bit crunchy. Maybe I'll bake for the office again at Christmas time. 

I left there feeling lighter. One I'd accomplished something off my Mom's list. Half the Thank You baskets. In 2015...we cooked a feast for the office. In 2022...I baked 10 dozen cookies. And put together baskets that weighed a ton! I mean they still appreciated it. But I felt like I could have done better. 

I also dropped off a very important gift. My Mom had been making Dr. N. As much anxiety as I was feeling waiting in the office. I sort of wanted to see him open it up. Wanted to see his expression. Just because I know my Mom worked so hard on it. But I didn't see him. Or Orly. Maybe this is just where our stories end.

I left there and headed to Nephrology. Again...silently prayed that I wouldn't run into Christine. I'd love to see her. But wasn't sure having a complete meltdown in the waiting room was the best. The receptionist and MA were so grateful. Hugged me. And gave me their condolences as well. 

When I was walking out the door, I could hear them telling Dr. E about my Mom. And I nearly sprinted in my stilettos across the parking lot. And cried in the truck. I saw him walk out the door. And have never been so grateful for a work truck in my life! Who was blocking me from his view.

I got a lot of closure today. And peace. I had a good interview. I was offered a nice job. But it includes a lot of commuting out of town. Which I'm just not sure of right now. But it was a HUGE boost to my confidence.

But back to those baskets. It wasn't a ton. A few drinks. Some fruit. Candy. Those homemade cookies. And a bunch of snacks. I wish I could have done more. Sent them something amazing. But right now...it's what I can afford. I still need to make my way to Cardiology. And the hospital. I'd like to take 2 sets of baskets to Oncology and the ICU. Day and Night Shift.

I can't begin to express how grateful I am to all of these people. They made our journeys so much easier. All the doctors, nurses, MAs, NPs, receptionists, clerks, FA advisors. All of them. The cleaning crews. Everyone was so wonderful. 

After today...I'm really considering going all out at Christmas time. I love to bake! But have no one to bake or cook for anymore. And this is just a small way to show my appreciation. Because I swear to you...the people who work in Oncology are angels on Earth. 💜

She Is Brave

 I keep telling my Mom just how brave she is. I don't think she realizes it. I think she doubts herself. My Dad's journey keeps creeping in. When you don't want it to. She thinks of everything he went through. And she gets scared. I get it. 

But with all her injuries. All the set backs. All the pain. My Mom is pushing forward. Yesterday was the first time, I saw her super anxious and not in full control. It was tough. And I was struggling with that. 

Because anyone that knows my Mom, knows how strong she is. She is fierce! The kind of lady that you don't want to fight with. I don't remember her falling apart when my Dad was sick. We all had that initial shock. Cried. And then picked up the pieces to help him on his journey.

Yesterday we couldn't calm my Mom down after her MRI. She's had them before. But something was different yesterday. And today, she needed a Lumbar Puncture. It's not anxiety before the procedure. So much as it's post-scan/test. And the anxiety isn't even about waiting on results. It's about the procedure. 

Today they needed to see if she could lay on her stomach or right side. And we were struggling. The techs downstairs kept calling. My Mom was in so much pain. But she was trying. Eventually the doctor made the decision to just send her downstairs. Let that team, take a go at it. So we'd stop tiring her out.

They ordered transport. And we prayed. It also happened that a priest had come by earlier. To pray, bring us communion, and to anoint her. So we prayed some more. I asked various people to pray. And right now, they are downstairs.

But my Mom is so brave. She needs this test to confirm the type of cancer that is present. And so they know how to move forward. I know my Mom was scared. I saw the shaking hands. The silent tears that escaped her eyes. And I heard it in her voice. But when her tech walked in the room, she told her, "Let's do this."

My strong Mom is out there being strong. She's so brave. And she's a fighter. Boy is she a fighter! Please keep her in your prayers. I don't normally document these things on here. But I want you to know, my Mom is brave. And we're going to fight this fight together. 

As a caregiver, I might cry. Like today. In the stairwell. Because my Mom was in so much pain. And trying to be brave. Not asking for meds. I might cry, when the doctor says something. And I'm so grateful we have to wear these masks. That absorb all my silent tears. That I hope I'm hiding...but they're probably falling anyway. 

I've been trying to practice some self care. Even here at the hospital. Sunrise walks around the hospital. Visiting the little bunnies in the garden...2 or 3 times a day. Running up and down 6 flights of stairs...4 times. At least twice a day. Little things. Taking a few minutes to shower. Also allowing myself to feel things as they're happening. Even if I cry in the stairwell. I'm not ashamed. I know this is hard. I know we have a long road. And I know I'm only human. I just hope...I'm half as brave as my Mom. 💜