Happy Halloween!

Today is one of those loaded days for me. Today marks 5 months since my Mom's passing. It's also 19 years since my Auntie passed away. She was like a second mom to me. And both my Mom and Auntie loved Halloween so much. So I know...it will be a tough one...

You see, my Mom made my Halloween costumes. My entire life. When I moved out of the house. I realized for the first time, that it was not normal for someone to do this. I have the best memories of going to the fabric store with my Mom. Picking out the pattern, of the costume that I wanted. Then the fabric. We'd go a month or two before Halloween. 

Then the night before Halloween, my Mom would stay up all night. Sewing this amazing creation. Her sewing room across the hall from my bedroom. I can still hear the hum of her sewing machine. The country music she'd be playing. The steam from the iron. My Mom would make the accessories and everything. I was always some complicated princess. Or something of the sort. That required yards and yards of beautiful fabric. And about 10 accessories. I'd wake up to a beautiful costume hanging in my bedroom. Like a fairy had put it there. In reality, I had a Mom that loved me that much.

A day or 2 before Halloween we'd also spend the day baking. Making sugar cookies from scratch. Cupcakes. Decorating them with homemade frosting. And so many sprinkles. My Dad would taste test them for us. And I'd pack up bags of candy. All of this for my School Parties. 

And on Halloween, we'd make homemade pizza. Every year. And on the odd year, when that wasn't possible. We'd still buy pizza. We'd make Mummy hotdogs. Pop popcorn. Go through our neighborhood Trick-Or-Treating. Honestly, a handful of houses was enough for me. And we'd go home to watch some Halloween movies and hand out candy. 

This last month, I've struggled more than any other time. As of yet. I've found a lot of comfort and relaxation in painting. I bought a bunch of signs at the Dollar Tree. And I sit and paint in the evenings. I've given them to family, friends, neighbors, and a few to the Medical Clinics my Mom once got treatment at.

In a lot of ways, they remind me of our Halloween decorations. My Mom loved to decorate for Halloween. I'm not sure what it was. But even a simple trip to the Grocery Store...would result in a nice little Halloween decor shop. 

Then there was my Auntie. She LOVED Halloween! She took care of me when I was little. And every year on September 1st, we'd begin decorating her home. Inside. Outside. On the roof. In the front yard. All over the house. It's probably why I've always loved this holiday.

About 2 or 3 weeks ago, my littlest neighbors caught me outside. And asked me where my Halloween decorations were. Um, in the attic. And I don't climb. But I remembered seeing a small box in my Mom's closet. So I dug it out. And decorated our front porch and gates. The kids were so excited!

This weekend, I put up some decorations inside the house. Those, I knew were in the closet. It started to feel a little more festive. And I even went to dinner with a friend on Friday. I got a little dressed up. Nothing too crazy. I painted my face and wore some leopard ears and a tail. But it was a nice change of pace. 

I spent yesterday, doing the things my Mom and I would have done today. I baked cookies and cupcakes. Which I shared with my neighbors, friends, and family. I made homemade pizza. And ate popcorn while watching some of our favorite Halloween movies...and the Munsters. 

Going forward, these are the things I want to carry with me. Traditions that I want to take into the future. To honor these two amazing ladies. As hard as days like this can be, they can also be full of amazing memories. 

Tonight I'm going to help a friend handout candy. And just enjoy being in the moment. That's what I'm learning. There will always be a place in my heart, where I will miss the people I've lost. But there is also something magical about being able to carry their memories into my future. Happy Halloween! 💜

 

He Has No Idea

In every way possible, yesterday was difficult. It had been a highly emotional week. Counseling had been extra difficult this week. Twice. I lost something so meaningful and important. I'm overwhelmed with #Sadmin. 

And my hormones are peaking. The joys of trying to get your health in check. But it's made the week challenging. I completely melted down in couseling...just because I had to walk by all the signs, pictures, and posters in the office. With all the babies. That I'll probably never have. Because I spent the prime of my life...taking care of my parents. And forgetting...I'd like to be married and have kids. And now...I'm close to 40. Single and childless. In the sea of grief. Barely keeping my head above water. 

Yesterday also marked 4 months since my Mom's passing. And although I can normally keep my emotions in check...yesterday was difficult all day! I decided to go on a long walk and make a stop at the Post Office. More paperwork for the insurance company. And on my way home...I stopped to visit my Aunt and Uncle. 

I don't know how 4 months has flown by. I can't express how this last month has been the hardest yet. I wrote down a list of 10 things...that I won't let myself do. At least for a year. Because I don't want grief to be the factor that pushes these things.

I've also written a list of goals. Things I want to do for me. It's so weird to not have anyone to be responsible for. To take care of. Or to check in with. It's both freeing...and crippling.

One thing I thought I would share too...I wasn't that close to my Mom growing up. In fact, we didn't really get along. My Mom carried a lot of childhood trauma. And pain from her first marriage. I know she missed my brother and sister a lot too.

My Dad was the one I was super close to. He was my ride or die. My role model. My protector. My best friend. And my confidant. After losing him in 2015...I knew my Mom needed me. In more ways than one. I became her protector at first. And over the next 7 years...we became best friends.

Those 7 years...mean so much to me. Oh God! I'm so grateful to have gotten to know her. Not just as a Mom. But as a real person. To have spent so much time together. I will cherish those memories forever. So if you are in a rough space with a parent...there is always hope. You just need to be willing to take that chance.

After a rough start to my week...I made the decision to change things. For myself. I put together 4 baskets of goodies. To deliver to Oncology, Radiation, and Nephrology. You can read about it here. 

I also wrapped some gifts. And headed out to deliver them too. A hat that I'd found labeled with my Mom's favorite MA's name. The pin with Dr. N's name. That I found in her jewelry box. And this amazing gift...

My Mom also had bought her favorite doctor, Dr. N a NM pin. Her words..."In case he ever leaves. Something for him to remember NM." It had 2 little chili peppers on it.

She'd asked me a number of times, if he wore hats. I'm not sure how I was supposed to know the answer to that question. But something tells me, my Mom was planning on giving him my Dad's hat collection. Baseball hats from all over the world. Or his Driving Caps. She had cleaned them all. Stacked them nicely. But I just can't part with them. I've actually been wearing a handful of them lately.

But there was a very special gift. This blanket. After my Mom's last oncology appointment...she asked me to take her to Walmart. I can honestly say it had been over a year since she'd last been. But I happily took her. She wandered around the store. Looked at clothes. Bought a few things. A dress for my cousin's wedding. Some other clothing items.

We picked up some of her favorite snacks. And yarn. She stood there searching through all the yarn. Debating colors. Feeling all of them. Debating what to buy. 

"What do you think HIS favorite colors are?" 

"WHO?"

"Dr. Stan. I'm going to make him a blanket. It will be good therapy for my arm. And I just want to make him something. I want him to know he is loved and appreciated."

In some ways, I think my Mom thought of my brother, when she thought of her doctor. I know she missed my brother so much. He passed suddenly and unexpectedly in 2018. Not only did she adore her doctor. But she'd always say things like..."I hope he isn't lonely. I hope he gets to see his family." I think she worried, because I guess they talked about him being far from his homeland. 

I used to really wonder if she saw him as one of her kids. Not in a weird way. But in a protective...motherly type of way. I'm pretty sure, age wise, he'd land somewhere between my brother and I. To be honest, there is 10 years between my brother and I. So that's a healthy assumption. And were my Mom didn't have my brother any longer, she could worry in a mom type of way, about her favorite doctor.

We ate lunch/dinner that day and went home. Got here close to 7PM. I knew she was exhausted. We'd been out much longer than we'd anticipated. That week...she had an appointment every single day. And then we went to run some sort of errand afterward. Something we never did. But she wanted to cram it all in that week. Before my cousin's wedding. And another round of chemo.

That night...we came home. She pulled out her crochet hook and started this blanket. In about 5 days...with all those appointments and a wedding...my Mom finished two thirds of the blanket. 

There are 3 things I remember so clearly about that week...

1. We watched an episode of the Resident. When the mom of one of the characters dies of cancer. My Mom cried. So hard. We didn't talk about it during the show. But when it ended...she looked at me and said...

"When I go, promise me that you'll continue to live. You won't give up. Or get consumed in grief. You'll find the love of your life. And you'll have my grandbabies. Please promise me that." My Mom had 3 kids. I'm the youngest...by 10 years. 

My Mom never had any grandchildren. Since her passing. I've found 10 boxes filled with baby and kid items. She wanted to be a grandma as bad as I want to be a mom. It breaks my heart...that she never got to experience this. And now with all my health issues, I wonder if it's my fate to be single and childless.

I had no words. What could I say? I cried so hard! And from that point on...had this nagging voice. In the back of my head. Wondering if she knew her time was near...

2. Another night we were watching Grey's Anatomy. When the married couple go into surgery together. She turns to me and says..."I know someone you can spend your life with. And you 2 could save lives too." She had this twinkle in her eyes. And I could only assume who she meant. 

"Will you ever tell him what you did before you took care of me and Dad?" The honest answer is...I don't know if I'll EVER tell him. Because how do I explain where I am now? How my life is so drastically different. How I feel like such a failure today.

And would he care. Outside of my Mom's care, would our path's have ever crossed. Would we have ever spoken. Would he have ever given me the time of day? So why would he care what my career used to be? He's the nicest guy. But I doubt he thinks about me in any capacity.

3. The latest thing I remember...how passionate my Mom was about this blanket. Like she was working against the clock. I spent that Sunday sleeping. Completely exhausted from the wedding! I woke up to my Mom having finished 2 colors. And having eaten my leftover tacos from the wedding. 😆

Tuesday she ended up in the ER after her bloodwork. All day. Then we came home. She slept most of Wednesday. But still worked on this blanket that evening. By Thursday...I was concerned again. She was worried too. And asked me to take her back to the ER.

I quickly showered. Fed the dogs. Threw a few things in a bag. And went to get my Mom. Who was carefully folding up this blanket and laying it on the corner of her bed. 

"Close the door Desiree. I don't want the dogs to lay on it. If I get admitted will you bring this to me? I don't want it to get messed up in the ER."

We had no idea what lay in front of us. Tuesday we had anticipated an admission. And were sent home right before midnight. My Mom didn't want to be admitted. But told me...she knew something wasn't right. I could never have imagined how things ended. 

But on that Thursday, she was determined she'd finish HIS BLANKET. Before winter. So he'd have something to keep him warm. And we left. I never once thought...that she wouldn't return. Or that her precious blanket wouldn't be finished. It sat on that corner of her bed for 3 months.

I'd cry when I saw it. I was angry. I still am. For various reasons. I think I skipped the sad part of grief. But every single day I'd pass by this blanket. Neatly folded. On her 3rd month anniversary...I decided to look at it. 

I picked it up. And neatly tucked under it were her notes. At the top...Stanley's blanket. And I just lost it. Sat there and cried like a baby. She had notes about what colors she was using. How many rows of each. Her crochet hook tucked into the blanket. The yarn in her closet. 

With a note at the bottom. "For Christmas. I hope he likes it. I want it to be comfortable for him. And keep him warm." I sat there and cried for an hour. 

It was hard for my Mom to write. She had a broken arm that wouldn't heal. Before that last appointment with her oncologist...she sat and wrote him a card. It took her almost a week. I'd find her working hard writing. Every day...she wrote something. I have no idea what she wrote to him. But I know she had bought him a pair of socks. One that I tried to convince her...to let me keep. Because they were NASA socks. And I'm a bit of a space geek. But in the end she handed him, her card and socks on that last day.

Funny how those last two appointments...he had a lot of time to just talk. We rarely used the entire appointment time. But those last 2 visits...we all just sat there talking. For the entire time. He was so relaxed. We talked about potentially changing my Mom's treatment. She asked him about his life. It was all just comfortable and easy.

So I can only imagine how long it took her to write that note. About the blanket. With all the directions. Her little comments. Under everything...I found, "Don't forget to make him biscochitos too." She worried that he didn't eat enough. That he was too thin. I tried to remind her, he was just healthy. Didn't she remember what I was like when I worked. 95 lbs soaking wet. You have to be in shape for this kind of job.

"Desiree he seems too thin. Like you were when you worked. Do you think he is single? That no one cooks for him. Or takes care of him. He should have someone to cook for him. All men need to be taken care of." You would have thought she was his mother. 

I used to silently wonder if my Mom was throwing hints my way. If she had lived...would she have tried to be our matchmaker? I know she wanted grandkids. But I also think my Mom worried about me. If I'd ever let anyone in. To love and take care of me. In her way, I think she was trying to do that here. Take care of both of us.

It took me a while to actually get myself together enough to work on the blanket. I went through a bunch of hooks...to match her stitch size. I sat down and would start crocheting...and all I'd do is cry. So there are lots of my tears in this blanket. 3 times, I fell asleep while working on it. And would wake up feeling at peace. Something I haven't had in years! 

I contemplated keeping the blanket. It's the last thing my Mom made. I don't have anything that she's made. Probably because I also crochet...my Mom never made me anything. And how special would that be. A blanket we both worked on. 

But no. She intended it for her Doctor. And I was determine to get it to him. On the day of the Queen's funeral...I got up in the middle of the night. And started working on it. It was done in 2 days. I snapped a picture and wrapped it up.

Later I hoped he doesn't have dogs or cats. Because they probably smell my dogs. Or I hope he or no one he lives with...is allergic to dogs. I didn't think of that. 

Before I walked into the office Thursday...I cried in the truck. Because as I'm slowly ticking off the boxes on my Mom's To-Do List...it's just a reminder that more and more pieces of her are leaving me. 

I honestly halfway hoped I'd see her doctor. To see his expression when he opened the gift. But also knew it would probably be too much for me to handle. A double edged sword.

So fast forward to yesterday. I was having a tough day. On another 12 mile walk. Because that brings me so much peace. And I stopped to visit my Aunt and Uncle. Part of this last month that I haven't discussed...is how I've isolated myself from others. Its just been hard to deal with everything. 

So I go walking. Solo. With the dogs. But every single day. I don't really see my family. Because they give me anxiety. I have 2 aunties and 2 cousins that I keep in touch with. Because my therapist told me to at least keep some line of communication open. To let people know I'm alive. So there is one on each side. 

But I felt like I needed to not be home yesterday. The house just closes in on me some days. Like on her anniversary. I was sitting and chatting with my Auntie when the phone rang.

I was so surprised to see the Oncology Office number. After 5PM. On A Friday. I excused myself. And went to sit outside. 

His familiar voice filling up the air. Peace taking over me. And that oh too familiar feeling of safety...and tears. I listened to him. I could swear he was fighting the tears as well. You could hear the emotion in his voice. Dr. N just has this very calm and soothing voice. And there is something about talking with him, that brings me peace. And makes me feel instinctively...safe.

The tears silently came like a waterfall. And I tried my hardest to keep my voice steady. So many things flashing through my mind. So many questions. So many things I wanted to say. But I couldn't get them out. I'm not great with words. I'm naturally a quiet and shy person. I find it really hard to open up. To make the thoughts in my brain...flow to the words coming out of my mouth.

I don't cry a lot. I really don't. This week has been an exception to the rule. I especially don't cry in front of people. I'm not sure why. Almost like I feel like I need to be brave and strong for everyone else.

But this man puts me at ease. I feel safe talking to him. And the emotions just bubbled up yesterday. After weeks of therapy...I'm learning that some people just do this. My therapist's words..."Some people connect with our souls. We have no idea why. But they make us feel safe. Find those people. Let them help to heal you."

Much like a conversation in June...I had so much to say. But didn't know how to say it. I honestly can't tell you what I managed to say. How it came out. Just that this conversation brought me so much peace. It wasn't long. But it brought me a peace that I've been yearning for.

I'm forever grateful to this man. He quietly snuck into out lives. After countless oncologists that my Mom had seen. None that she really trusted. He was just an unexpected blessing.  

Where I 100% trusted Dr. T...he was a lot for her to handle. I'd had the history with him...because he was my Dad's oncologist. And I was my Dad's caregiver. My Mom only saw him once while my Dad was sick. The man was loud, full of energy, and was aggressive in the way he communicated. 

All the Oncologists prior to him...my Mom hated. Dr. S...my Mom just didn't like her. I'll admit she was very cold. And barely spoke to us. All the doctors at the other Cancer Center had been horrible too. We'd seen 9 doctors in 9 months. You were just a number in their little Cancer Machine.

But Dr. N. He made some sort of impression on my Mom. He brought comfort to my life. Suddenly I didn't have to worry about everything. We had a doctor that was taking care of the bits he was supposed to. And my Mom was comfortable around him. She trusted him. And really was happy to let him lead her care. 

That first meeting between them...I had to stay in the car. Because of #COVID19. My Mom came out of that appointment practically walking on clouds. "Wait until you meet him! He's wonderful. I trust him with my entire life. Desiree I have a good feeling about this."

I can still see her smiling face. She was so excited! I was impressed that they called me on the phone. And I still got to be part of the appointment. We'd never had a doctor do that before. Or someone that knew our names the minute they saw us. I was completely shocked. In the best of ways.

He again shocked me when my Mom was admitted to the hospital last summer. And on our first full day there...he came walking through the door.  All smiles. And before you ask...yes we were all masked up. But some people's smiles reach their eyes. Their entire face just lights up. He's one of them.

I'll never forget his bedside manner. How he always talked to my Mom. Got down on her level. Even if it meant he knelt on the ground. Looked her straight in the eyes. Made her a part of the conversation. Made sure she understood everything he was explaining to her. To me...that shows his character. 

I was a caregiver for 12 years. I worked in the medical field prior to that...for 10 years. Trust me when I say...this is unusual. He made both of us feel at ease. We could ask any question, at anytime. 

Frequently when we went to appointments I'd sit in the chairs behind him. While my Mom sat next to him. So I could read the computer. Back to...do I think he knew what I did before? Maybe. It was a purposeful decision for me. So I could read the reports as he pulled them up. I'd also very consciously edit how I talked to him. Don't let too much medical garb...fall out your mouth. 

What I will tell you is. I'm grateful to this man. He put my Mom at ease. She enjoyed her visits with him. Didn't second guess tests or treatments that he recommended. She was 100% at ease with her doctor.

For me...I was confident that my Mom was getting the best possible care. He may have been new to the Office. But I was so comfortable with him being the person...that took care of my Mom. I trusted everything he recommended. Much like nephrology...I never had to second guess him.

Along the way, I started to feel motivated to go back to work. To pursue more education. Something about THIS doctor...lit a flame under me. When my Dad passed away...I started to get curious about oncology. What would it take to pursue this career? I once had a talk with Dr. T about this...

But when Dr. N came into our lives...he really got me interested in THIS field again. In working. In making a difference in other people's lives. There is just something about the way he cares for his patients. 

On this side of things...I've really become interested. I reached out to my almamater. Received the packet of information. Talked with my old supervisor. Who was so excited! And encouraged me to go for it. He said I have a solid skill set...to build on. Explained that my time working in the ICU and my personal experience with cancer...had the potential to make me really good at this field. 

In some ways, I'd like to reach out to Dr. N...to just pick his brain a bit. About the field. The educational process. What it's really like. But then I'm like...these guys have enough on their plates. They're always busy. But that gut feeling...is pushing me towards the field. 

When I talked with my old supervisor, he recommended I speak with the Cancer Center's director. Ask about potentially shadowing one of the physicians. For a week or so. Both in the office and in the hospital. See what they really do. If I am ready for this. If it's something I want to do. To see if this is a good fit for me. But I'm nervous about talking to anyone from the office. It's something that I really want. So I need to be brave enough, to reach out to one of the doctors.

The way I see it. I have no responsibilities right now. I mean after I settle the Estate...my life is completely open. I have a blank page to fill up. I'm not married. I have no kids. No real pull to take me back to my previous career. Why not start fresh? Why not take 12 years of heartache and pain...and turn them into something positive?

There are a few things keeping me on the fence. I promised myself to not do 10 big things in this first year. Because I'm positive they'd be motivated by grief...and not by logic. There's the money. God why is school so expensive? I wouldn't mind the move back to Texas. But the money for school. And honestly my age. Is 40 too old to start a new career path? That would require years of education...

These are probably my biggest fears. And the real reason I'd like to talk with an oncologist. Maybe if I was braver...I'd call the office. Offer to buy Dr. N lunch or dinner. And then spend an hour or 2...asking all the questions that are floating around my brain. Until then...Mom, Dad, and God...please keep guiding me.

Also God...Thank You for Dr. N. I'm positive that I would have lost my mind without him. I know he gave my Mom the best care. We always knew her time with Cancer was limited. But you sent us on angel on Earth. For that alone, I will get on my knees every single night. To Thank You God. You knew who we needed. And exactly at the right time. Please keep him safe and healthy...so he can help many more families. 💜

Thank You!

It's not been the best week. Monday I had a big mix up with the pharmacy. I had a very emotional appointment at the OB/GYN. Why is the entire place covered in posters of babies? The hallways. The exam rooms. The checkout desks.

For someone like me...who's always wanted kids. It's hard. Just to go there. I was there for a shot and a checkup. To see if all the hormones are helping get my body back into a cycle. And I cried. Meltdown type of crying. I held it together in the waiting room. In fact, I gave one mom some breastfeeding tips. My years of working at WIC sometimes come in handy. 

But going into the exam room. It all just came out. And I cried so hard. The poor nurse. She was new to me. Because my midwife retired. And I'm now being floated between anyone who can see me. 

I'm also at a hormone peak. So I'm sure that doesn't help. Apparently my peak ovulation day was Tuesday. And my new midwife tells me, "Go home and get busy. You're not too old to be a momma." The tears silently soaked the inside of my mask. 

I almost wanted to ask...you got any single guys around here? Good ones. Not the creeps that keep sending me DMs on Instagram. Or the ones who scream cat calls at me when I'm running. Or the lazy ones who are looking for a Sugar Momma. But a good man. To not just make babies with. But to share my life with.

I kept my mouth shut. Let her do her exam. And ultrasound. Had my shot and left. The pharmacy messed up my Flu Shot appointment. And I had the world's toughest counseling session yet. I basically spent 2 hours in the fetal position crying. Childhood trauma is tough. Especially since I've never talked about these things before. To anyone. 

I was determined to make Tuesday better. Left my house early...but somehow still had to run 2 miles to Walgreens. Because I was somehow late to my appointment. Afterward I decided to take a stroll around our Old Town. And was devastated when the chain to my Mom's necklace broke. And I lost her cross. 

I spent hours retracing my steps. Crawling on my hands and knees. Going through the grass. Asking tourists if they'd seen it. Talking to shop keepers. Eventually sitting in the grass and crying. And I'm not even a crier. But this means so much to me. It was a symbol of her faith. How much she loved and trusted God. I still can't believe what happened...

Eventually I grabbed something to eat. Called my cousin and my Auntie. Because I needed to make sure they could help me next week. I'm having a colonoscopy and endoscope. And need to arrange my rides. Then...I talked to GI for a bit. 

Yesterday I walked back. Spent more hours searching. Praying. Talking to more strangers. Writing little MIA posters out. And taping them around. Surprisingly enough...many strangers helped me. I'm so very thankful. 

I even met a man who is a Metal Detector enthusiast. He was teaching me all about it. We searched for hours. With no luck. So I returned home after a trip to the grocery store.

Over 3 miles from the grocery store to my home.  Carrying pounds of fruit home. I was so tired. Emotionally spent. But I decided to work on one of my Mom's last requests. Thank You baskets for her Medical Team. 

I should have gotten better pictures. But I spent the entire night baking cookies. Then had an early Counseling session today. Another appointment. And a job interview. So I snapped this in the back of my Auntie's truck. Right before I started delivering them.

You know what? It made me feel so good! I showed up to Radiation first. I purposely went around lunchtime. Thinking...the offices will be much quieter. Less chance of running into someone I might know. Is that weird? I just didn't want to lose it...in a full office. Especially coming from a job interview. More on that later.

The receptionist was so grateful. My Mom never needed radiation. But I spent so much time there with my Dad. We did use other services in that office. Mostly the Dietitian. So I wrote a little card. And dropped off the basket. Happily accepted a hug. And went on my way.

I went next door. I mean I probably looked hilarious! Pencil skirt and stilettos. Carrying a gift bag bigger than myself. A smaller bag. 2 large buckets of snacks. And a gallon sized bag full of pills. This is my 3rd drop off of meds. How did we accumulate so many?

I didn't see anyone that I knew. Not the guy who usually greets us at the door. And checks our temperature. Not nurse Jackie. Or my Mom's MA Orly. I didn't run into her Oncologist. Or even see Melissa the clerk. 

I managed to get into an elevator. Prayed I wouldn't drop anything, fall down, or see anyone I know. Emotionally I wasn't sure I could handle it. I snuck by check in desks and made it to the checkout desks.

Only one person was working. I had never seen her before. So I had a seat. Covered in things. While the clerk helped setup appointments for a patient. And I kept thinking to myself...I'd like to work here one day. To be helpful to people. To be in this environment...were you make such a difference.

I was also silently praying...that my Mom's MA or Oncologist wouldn't wonder through the door. Maybe coming back from lunch. Or between patients. Because I knew I would burst into tears. And I wasn't sure that was the best for any of us.

After 30 minutes. Nearly having a heart attack because another oncologist, Dr. R walked 2 of his patients out during that time. And looking up how long the average oncologist goes to school for...Angela came to chat with me. 

She Thanked me a million times. Hugged me. Asked about my parents. Which got the tears rolling. Who am I? I've never cried this much in my entire life! But she listened to my story. And I just kept thinking...oh God help me get through this. Help me not completely lose it here.

Eventually I asked her about some other items I was needing to dispose of. A box of sharps. Liquid meds. A few narcotics. She disappeared into the back again. My anxiety started to get out of control. All of this is so new to me. But I tried to stay calm.

Eventually she came back with some answers. And a nurse. And more hugs. I was so happy to make a positive impact on them. Give them a little bit...of what this office gave my parents and I for 9 years.

I'm only sad about one thing. I came home this evening. Tried a cookie that I baked. And was not happy with them. At midnight they were soft and gooey. The chocolate chip cookies were so chewy. At 5PM...they'd gone a bit crunchy. Maybe I'll bake for the office again at Christmas time. 

I left there feeling lighter. One I'd accomplished something off my Mom's list. Half the Thank You baskets. In 2015...we cooked a feast for the office. In 2022...I baked 10 dozen cookies. And put together baskets that weighed a ton! I mean they still appreciated it. But I felt like I could have done better. 

I also dropped off a very important gift. My Mom had been making Dr. N. As much anxiety as I was feeling waiting in the office. I sort of wanted to see him open it up. Wanted to see his expression. Just because I know my Mom worked so hard on it. But I didn't see him. Or Orly. Maybe this is just where our stories end.

I left there and headed to Nephrology. Again...silently prayed that I wouldn't run into Christine. I'd love to see her. But wasn't sure having a complete meltdown in the waiting room was the best. The receptionist and MA were so grateful. Hugged me. And gave me their condolences as well. 

When I was walking out the door, I could hear them telling Dr. E about my Mom. And I nearly sprinted in my stilettos across the parking lot. And cried in the truck. I saw him walk out the door. And have never been so grateful for a work truck in my life! Who was blocking me from his view.

I got a lot of closure today. And peace. I had a good interview. I was offered a nice job. But it includes a lot of commuting out of town. Which I'm just not sure of right now. But it was a HUGE boost to my confidence.

But back to those baskets. It wasn't a ton. A few drinks. Some fruit. Candy. Those homemade cookies. And a bunch of snacks. I wish I could have done more. Sent them something amazing. But right now...it's what I can afford. I still need to make my way to Cardiology. And the hospital. I'd like to take 2 sets of baskets to Oncology and the ICU. Day and Night Shift.

I can't begin to express how grateful I am to all of these people. They made our journeys so much easier. All the doctors, nurses, MAs, NPs, receptionists, clerks, FA advisors. All of them. The cleaning crews. Everyone was so wonderful. 

After today...I'm really considering going all out at Christmas time. I love to bake! But have no one to bake or cook for anymore. And this is just a small way to show my appreciation. Because I swear to you...the people who work in Oncology are angels on Earth. 💜

The Day My World Changed Forever

Tuesday came out of nowhere. Things had been relatively quiet Monday night. It's the first night I'd slept...since Friday? Our night nurse was an angel. I remember hearing her and my Mom around 3AM. My Mom was walking back to bed. Everything seemed pretty normal. As normal as you can get in the hospital.

We were up around 6AM. Prepping for my Mom's bone marrow biopsy. I'd been trying to talk her out of it. I didn't feel like it was necessary. Not at this point. Maybe we could wait. Until she was stronger. Or felt better. But she was still able to make her own decisions. So we had to let her. 

By 9AM she was having a lot of pain. I had been asking for hours, to speak with the oncologist on duty. I just felt like I needed a second opinion. Was my Mom dying? Was there something I could do? Was she just sick? And needed some help?

I managed to take a shower. And while I was in the shower, PT came around. My Mom was so exhausted! It took everything out of her to sit up. Then stand up. Take a few steps. And lay back down. The pain was unreal as well.

Everything started happening so quickly after that. PT was recommending her to go to an Impatient Rehab facility. PT and the Hospitalist were thinking Thursday would be a good day to transfer her. Because it had been a holiday weekend, we hadn't seen many of the people we should have. All the referrals were suddenly happening at once. Her Hospitalist came to see her. And noticed how different she was too.

Then the Bone Marrow Biopsy Team came in like a rush of bulls. Started prepping everything. No one had time to talk to me. I just didn't feel right about this. And my Mom's pain was getting worse. She hadn't really eaten in days. It was taking everything in her, to eat the small amounts she was managing. And that was only because I was feeding her. 

I know the drill when it comes to BMBs. I've been there for every single one she's had. As time has gone on, they've gotten more and more difficult to do. Mostly because my Mom's bones were getting so brittle. So it takes a bit longer than normal. She was in pain. We didn't have the normal doctor that she was used to.

Eventually, the doctor asked me to help. He was on the opposite side of the bed. His nurse was behind him. And someone that they were training was at the foot of the bed. He was a big guy. But completely overwhelmed by what was happening. He honestly looked like he might pass out at any moment. So I tried to comfort my Mom. I talked to her. Held her as still as I could. And watched...

The doctor was having such a difficult time getting a sample. He asked me a bunch of questions. I told him as much as I could. Eventually, after 90 minutes? He got what he thought was a good enough sample. Then the bleeding wouldn't stop. And they started calling the Oncology and ICU teams...

It was a lot to deal with. My Mom was crying in agony. Her abdomen was hurting her. We were having to keep pressure on the insertion point. I even had to help with that. While the team met outside the room to talk. And try to find some sort of bandage to assist with the bleeding. On top of all of this...we had to keep her as still as possible.

I don't know how long it took. I think the BMB Team was with us for about 3 hours. Eventually, the bleeding slowed. My Mom was given a gigantic amount of pain meds. That weren't helping. The fear in her eyes. Gosh, I can't get that imagine out of my mind. It's so hard to deal with. And to hear her cries. 

Eventually that team left. I asked the nurse again...if I could speak with someone from Oncology. I was sincerely considering...calling Dr. N. In his office. I was starting to get desperate. We hadn't seen anyone from Oncology. And my Mom had been at the hospital 6 days. I just needed to know...if it was time to just make her comfortable.

About this time, Dr. W came to see us. I think he could tell I was so stressed out. On the brink of a breakdown. The tears were only being held back, by pure prayers. Dr. W listened to me. And I to him. We looked at my Mom's chart. And her medical wishes. And determined that it was time for Hospice. He was sure, she wouldn't make it home. But figured we could get her to the Hospice Unit at the hospital. And that my Mom might have a couple of days. 

He hugged me. And for the first time, I cried. The stress of the weekend, finally broke me. To be honest, I had wished that we had been there a week earlier. Because Dr. N had been working in the hospital. Maybe I would have had a clearer mind. Just knowing I could have asked him anything. He was familiar with my Mom. Someone that I would have felt comfortable, having these tough discussions with. I also sincerely missed being in the Oncology Unit. Where I felt safe. Because the staff makes you feel safe.

As Dr. W left to go write the orders. So we could be moved in a couple of hours...I walked back into the room. Still shocked. So this was it? My Mom was dying. I didn't know how to deal with all of that news. My sister called. We'd been playing phone tag. The nurse came to check the bandage. Which needed to be changed for the 3rd time in about an hour. Obviously, the bleeding was still an issue...

I walked into the bathroom to talk to my sister. All of a sudden, I heard all this noise. And basically hung up on her. I walked out to the nurse in a bit of a panic. Trying to get my Mom's pulse. She had monitors on her ears, toes, and both hands. She called the Charge Nurse. They basically had my Mom upside down at this point. And everyone was trying to keep their cool. But I knew. I knew what was happening. I just felt it in the pit of my stomach...

I stepped out of the room. To let the staff work. To try and calm myself. I knew what was happening. But I didn't know how to process it. I walked to the area where the two towers meet. Sat down and looked outside. My cousin had text to see how things were going. I just wrote back. "It's so bad. Please let your mom know to come ASAP." I walked back into our unit. It's all just steps from my Mom's room, to this bench I was sitting on. And on the unit I sat on the little bench at the end of the hallway. Watching people running in and out of her room. Seeing all the chaos. And not knowing what to do. 

I was alone in that moment. And I knew I was about to be alone in this world. I knew that I was losing my Mom. Way too early in her life. She had so much life to live. And there was absolutely nothing I could do to help her. 

At this point, I see her Hospitalist running into her room. The doors fly open. The crash cart is being wheeled to her room. There is a nurse plugging it in. And I ran as fast as I could. The paddles were coming out. And I physically put myself between them and my Mom. I pleaded with the team to stop. To just stop. They were no longer doing my Mom any good.

Shaking. And with tears streaming down my face...I begged them to stop. I explained to the doctor, that Dr. W and I had decided to put my Mom on Hospice. And that he was putting the orders in. The Team looked at me...with pitty and horror. But they stopped. They tried to make my Mom comfortable. And tried to make the room as normal as they could.

Dr. U talked to me. That Hospice was no longer an option. That maybe the BMB was too much. But they'd provide Comfort Care. And he'd remain at the hospital, as long as my Mom was alive. I knew we didn't have much time. I knew it. Not just because of what I witnessed from my Mom. But because of the look in his eyes. The tone in his voice. And honestly...what doctor tells you they'll stay until the end. If the end is not near?

My Mom's nurse and doctor came in with meds. To make her comfortable. I asked if my Aunts and Uncles could come in. Would we be restricted to visitors? They assured me, we'd be OK. And they went to get the priest for us. By the time my Aunts and Uncle got there, the priest was there too. We'd just seen him.

I think he was as shocked as I was. He spoke with us. Tried to help us find some peace, as my Mom transitioned. Gave us suggestions of things to hold onto. We prayed. And after he left, I put on some religious music for my Mom. Sat by her bed. Held her hand. And prayed. 

I didn't want to be selfish. I wanted my Mom to be comforted at this time. I needed to be strong. To be with her. As scary as it was. As ill prepared as I was. As suddenly as it all happened. I wanted my Mom to be comfortable. And surrounded by peace and love.

We'd talked off and on. About her final wishes. She wanted everything done, to live. Except being put on machines for an extended period of time. She didn't want to suffer the same way my Dad did. She wanted to live. But only if she could live a life. I prayed that I was making the best decisions for her. Doing things the way she had wished. And not because I didn't want my Mom to die.

There were so many things we were supposed to have done. Places to visit. Things to experience. My Mom was supposed to be a Grandma at some point. There were so many more conversations we were supposed to have had. But in those moments, I couldn't think of any of it.

Around 5PM, my cousin came in. And in that moment, my Mom passed. We saw her take her last breath. After a few moments, we called the nurse. And she let the doctor know. Shortly, he came to exam my Mom. And to confirm what we knew...

It was a lot to bare. I left my Aunts, Uncles, and cousins with my Mom. And went back to that bench. I needed to call the Mortuary. All the big decisions. Who to use? What exactly did I need to do? I couldn't remember from 7 years prior. I finally made the call. Let the Charge Nurse know. I sent texts. Made phones calls. Barely kept it together. I don't even remember how I told my sister. I honestly don't. But I know I let her know.

At some point, my family came to tell me Goodbye. And I went to go back to my Mom. I spoke with the nurses. Who were going to clean my Mom's body and prepare her. They asked if I wanted her socks and jewelry. Was there anything they could do for me?

There are no words to express how difficult this was. How alone I felt. The staff was amazing. Dr. U kept his word. Stayed at the hospital. At the desk outside my Mom's room. I can still remember seeing him, when I left that night. My Mom's nurse stayed past Shift Change. They gave me time with my Mom. Alone. They packed up our belongings. All the snacks they'd brought us earlier in the day. Boxes and boxes of tissues. The Night Nurse came and sat with me. Let me cry. Assured me, they'd be there. If and when I needed anything. That night. In the future. Whenever I needed them. 

Eventually, the Mortuary came. Gave me some time with my Mom, after they had prepared her for transport. They gave me some meaningful gifts. And all the information I'd need in the coming days. And they were gone. They'd taken my Mom. And I was alone.

I sat in that empty room. Not sure which way was up. Not knowing how to put one foot in front of the other. Had I been stupid? Blind? In denial? Had my Mom been that sick? Did this all just happen this quick? I still don't have those answers. And probably never will. 

What I do know is, I'll never forget my Mom. I'll always think of her in this way. Full of life. Ready for adventure. And so excited to be in nature and surrounded by animals. We didn't have a perfect relationship. In fact, we didn't really get close until my Dad's passing. 7 years. Doesn't seem like it was long enough.

I feel like I could have done so much more. Made her life so much better. In so many ways, I feel like I failed my Mom. I tried so hard every single day. But it never felt like it was enough. Maybe we just never got past losing my Dad. But I feel like I could have done more. Been more. Provided a better life for her.

It's all hard. I don't know which way to turn first. I spent nearly all night on the phone. Once I got home Tuesday. Talking to an amazing family friend. And maybe got 2 hours of sleep. I took the dogs out on a long walk yesterday morning. And spoke with the Mortuary. But it was just a day of being alone. I needed it. Our dogs needed it. My soul needed it. 💜

My Momma Angel

Yesterday evening, my Mom gained her wings. She fought so incredibly hard to live. To beat her cancer. To continue living the life she wanted to live. My Mom was a fighter. Until the very end. 

My heart is shattered. I know I'll never be the same. But isn't that the price we pay for love? That one day we feel so completely broken. Because the people we love are no longer with us. But I'll always carry our memories in my heart. And my Mom's love. Nothing will ever change that.

 

And the only comfort I have...is knowing my parents have been reunited. I know my Mom missed my Dad so much over the last 7 years. I know that she is no longer in pain. Like my Dad is no longer in pain. It's the only real comfort I have. Knowing they are together. And resting. I love you Mom and Dad! 😇💙😇💚 

Still the Best View

Can we start with...this has been a wild 24 hours. And not in a good way. I'm emotionally spent. My Mom was so down last night. I keep asking myself, am I in denial? Are things way worse, than what I am seeing?

But first, let's start with the good stuff. We had the most amazing ER nurse! Sometime around 2AM, he came into my Mom's room with a recliner. Sheets, blankets, and pillows. And for the first time ever, I had some decent sleep in the ER. 

To be honest, he was just a dream. Worked with the pharmacy to get meds. Let us sleep. And when the phlebotomist couldn't draw blood, he did it. So kind and gentle. I really appreciate good nurses. Martin was top tier.

This morning we woke up to this beautiful view. I mean, it never gets old. The best part of this hospital, is the view. The spectacular view. We've watched the hot air balloons go up for over an hour now. Some are starting to land. But it's a gorgeous sight! And the best way to start our morning. 

Yesterday was just rough. We hadn't seen a single doctor all day. Around 4:45PM a Hospitalist finally showed up. She seemed a bit annoyed. Is it me, or all Hospitalist like this? And honestly she seemed ready to go home. Like my Mom was an inconvenience for her. Then the tuff talk began...

Telling my Mom she needed to update her Code Status. That this is the end. And there is really no reason for CPR and/or machines. I mean, it basically sent my Mom in a downward spiral. She was so upset! Understandably so. And my Mom wouldn't back down.

Eventually, the lady left. And I struggled to get my Mom's spirits back up. But it's had me wondering. Is it really the end? Is she so much worse than we think? Is there no hope? I would think we would be having this sort of conversation with Oncology. Like if they feel like things are this bad, wouldn't one of them come to talk to us? Why put her through another bone marrow biopsy? 

End of life care and talk, should be a gentle topic. It should be something, you do with lots of grace. Have some care and compassion. This lady, basically walked in the room, pulled up my Mom's chart, and started the entire...you should just die speech. I 100% mean, she hadn't seen my Mom's chart until that minute. And immediately went into this conversation. 

I was basically speechless. I know we are definitely here until Tuesday. My Mom has a bedside BMB scheduled. I'm tempted to call Oncology, just to have a little chat. I NEED to know what's going on. What I should be preparing for. Like what the heck is going on?

By last night, my Mom was spent and went to bed. I just sat here wondering if I'm in denial. Is it worse than I think? I mean I lived through everything with my Dad. Am I missing a piece here? Just left with a lot of questions. That I hope to have answered. Between, my Mom seems to be doing much better. Had a much better night last night. 💜

We're Back

Pretty sure, I saw this coming since Tuesday night. But we're back. My Mom basically slept all day yesterday. I got her up, long enough to take her medications. And to eat a few bites of a breakfast burrito. I've been worried. To say the least.

Earlier she had a coughing fit, and couldn't catch her breath. Then she asked me to bring her to the ER. I called the Oncology nurse. Who promptly told me to get her to the ER. She'd be waiting to hear from me. Or she'd call 911 to meet us somewhere. Off we went.

Today I got to wait inside with my Mom. The ER was much busier. So we waited a bit longer. But still safely in the Oncology Corner. Honestly, I think my Mom's appearance is what allowed me to wait with her today. Again, they started off with X-rays. Around 5:30PM, I left to call my Auntie. To let her know what was happening. Then the new staff wouldn't let me back into the ER.

All was good. I took a walk. Updated family. Snapped a few pictures. And ultimately found a chair to sit on and read my book. But OMG it was HOT out there! I happened to get a chair right outside the employees door. So I was grateful every time it opened and blasted me with cold air. At shift change, that was quite nice.

At 6:30PM, I looked into the Waiting Room and didn't see my Mom. So I called the ER and found out she had gotten a room. An ER doctor came almost immediately and let us know, they'd be admitting my Mom. Because it was obvious she was having trouble breathing. The doctor could also hear crackling in her right lung. 

They started fluids, some meds, and electrolytes. It's looking like a new strain of the flu and the earliest signs of pneumonia. My Mom has had it before. So it was kind of likely to happen again. Even with her vaccine.

And because business is booming...we'll be spending the night in the ER. With Nemo starring at me. And a bed made out of 2 chairs. More than likely oncology won't have a room until tomorrow around lunchtime. But as long as my Mom is getting the care she needs, I don't care. 

I snuck off to grab some food around 9:30PM. Learned my lesson on Tuesday. But I missed the next doctor. The hospitalist. The nurse filled me in. By the way, he's awesome! We've never had such a great nurse before.

I had dinner. My Mom had half a milkshake and a little bit of a fish sandwich. But hey. That's more than she's eaten in 48 hours. So we'll call it a win. I also managed to bring a sweatshirt today. My tablet, a book, a crochet project, chargers, and my vitamins. I'm calling it a win. Because the last few days feel like a blur. Off to catch a little sleep. Hopefully. With Nemo and Dory watching over us. 💜

 

Blood Draw to ER

Today started off normally. My Mom needed to go for a normal oncology blood draw. To see if she'd start chemo tomorrow. It had already been delayed because of her counts. The nurse asked me to take her early in the day. Because her doctor isn't in the office. So they'd like the results earlier in the day. But something wasn't right...

Usually I just grab my small purse. Or even, just my driver's license. And we run to the Main Hospital. All of 5 minutes from our home. 10 if there's traffic. But something didn't seem right. So I grabbed my phone, charger, and a book. 

My Mom had not been feeling well since Sunday night. We 100% thought it was her tooth. But this morning she just wasn't feeling great. And was acting out of sorts. Once in the lab, I knew something was wrong. And I called the oncology office. The nurse asked me to take her into the ER. 

Not the ER in the hospital we were at. But the hospital that has the Cancer Center. So off we went. Across town. And we got there in about 20 minutes. The nurse called me almost as soon as we pulled into the parking lot. To make sure we had gotten there safely. Because she was waiting to call 911 if I needed help. If I haven't said it enough...I'm so grateful for this team!

And because of protocol...I stayed in the car after I helped my Mom check in. A little tip here...call the office first. They call ahead to the ER and you jump the line a bit. I think I might have sat in the car about 90 minutes before they had settled my Mom in an ER room. Which was amazing. I heard other people saying that they had been waiting for 4+ hours. I spent my time watching a show.

During that time, they did every test known to man. My Mom had scans. Went for multiple X-rays. Got fluids. And nothing. Not really anything out of place. My Mom is doing better. Because earlier she couldn't walk. And was super confused. But I'm just speechless. How is nothing wrong?

My Mom's oncologist happens to be working at the hospital this week. So the ER doctor called him to consult. And because they really can't find anything wrong, they're sending her home. Which I agree with. But honestly...it's so weird that they can't find anything wrong. Don't you think?

The ER doctor prescribed an antibiotic. In case it's her tooth. They gave her one dose here. And sent the prescription to the pharmacy about 90 minutes ago. My Mom has a dentist appointment on Friday. We'll still have to consult with oncology if they need to do anything major. 

So we'll be heading home in a bit. And I hope my Mom starts to feel better. She hasn't been eating. And has just not been herself since Sunday morning. That's what alarms me. But at least they've run all the tests. And it's nothing major. 

On a side note, I haven't eaten all day. Didn't take my vitamins. Almost froze to death. Because I was not prepared to be here. I usually have a bag in the car. With basics. Chargers, snacks, a book, a crochet project, and a sweatshirt. I also used to carry a small overnight bag, with basic essentials. But things had been going pretty well. And I took everything out of the car. I need to put those bags back in tomorrow. You just never know... 💜

 

Family Celebrations

I can't even begin to tell you how long it's been since we've spent time with our extended family. Or when we last went to a big celebration. But yesterday, that is exactly what we did.

My Mom rested all week. Oh, well except for the day of her Oncology appointment. On that day, she got a haircut. And we did a little shopping. Went to Target and Walmart. She found this cute dress. And some smaller clothes. But for the entire week, my Mom rested. She had been looking forward to this wedding for a long time. 

This is my Mom with 2 of her sisters and 1 of her brothers. And the groom...my cousin. It was so nice to see family. To get to chat with people we hadn't seen in years! My Mom and I wore our masks almost the entire time. We obviously took them off to eat. Then to snap a few pictures. But we tried to be as safe as possible. 

I know. It's blurry. This was about 11PM. My Mom was having the BEST time! She danced the night away. Honestly, at one point...I sat there crying. Because of her health, I wasn't sure I'd ever see her dancing and enjoying life again. This was such a treat!

We even got to sit with cousins from out of town. It was the first time I met them. But they were so nice. And I enjoyed chatting with the kids. 3 of the 4 of them, have also battled cancer. It really was a nice day. And we stayed pretty late. I think we got home after midnight. After the weather had changed and we almost blew away.

Here is a picture of most of my first cousins and I. Quite a few people let me know...the clock is ticking. I'm the last one standing. But somehow that doesn't sound right. I know I'm the last one to marry and have kids. And as much as I want that...I'm not sure it will ever happen. #LifeAsACaregiver

It's crazy how events like this, as happy as they are, remind you of the things you are missing. I'm missing a life partner. Babies. Oh, babies. But I also know that my Mom needs me. Like my Dad needed me. That keeps me going.

Ironically on Monday evening, another Uncle of mine, had a serious talk with me. How one day, my Mom won't be here. And I'll be alone. Unless I remedy that. But I'm not lying when I say...unless someone falls from the sky...or I meet them in a Doctor's Waiting Room...well...it just ain't happening. And that makes my heart so sad. But today is not for sadness. It's about happiness and family. And maybe some leftover Sanchez tacos and a nap.  💜

 

Always Grateful

We're very grateful today. My Mom gets to go home. She is super excited. Am I 100% convinced that she is ready? No. But I'm her daughter and her caregiver. So I tend to worry too much as well. 

I will never stop believing in miracles. Or in prayer. I'm super grateful that my Mom is doing so much better. I'm grateful for all the amazing nurses, techs, therapists, everyone in the food department, and all of the people who helped with testing. Also the housekeeper. She was so sweet. We also got the best visit from the Support Dogs today. It made my Mom so happy and excited!

Most of all, I'm grateful for her doctors. Her oncologist, whom we trust so very much. He always treats my Mom with such care and respect. To Dr. Iggy...he's been my Mom's doctor before. He is just so straight forward. And I appreciate that. We cannot forget our nephrology team. Who have been so supportive during such rocky times. 

I'm grateful. I believe that God is watching over us. He's listening to our prayers. And sending all of these amazing men and women...to take care of my Mom. I'm grateful. You just don't understand how much. My heart is so full...because my Mom gets to go home. The smile on her face...is worth a million words. Now we just pray for good test results. 💜

She Is Brave

 I keep telling my Mom just how brave she is. I don't think she realizes it. I think she doubts herself. My Dad's journey keeps creeping in. When you don't want it to. She thinks of everything he went through. And she gets scared. I get it. 

But with all her injuries. All the set backs. All the pain. My Mom is pushing forward. Yesterday was the first time, I saw her super anxious and not in full control. It was tough. And I was struggling with that. 

Because anyone that knows my Mom, knows how strong she is. She is fierce! The kind of lady that you don't want to fight with. I don't remember her falling apart when my Dad was sick. We all had that initial shock. Cried. And then picked up the pieces to help him on his journey.

Yesterday we couldn't calm my Mom down after her MRI. She's had them before. But something was different yesterday. And today, she needed a Lumbar Puncture. It's not anxiety before the procedure. So much as it's post-scan/test. And the anxiety isn't even about waiting on results. It's about the procedure. 

Today they needed to see if she could lay on her stomach or right side. And we were struggling. The techs downstairs kept calling. My Mom was in so much pain. But she was trying. Eventually the doctor made the decision to just send her downstairs. Let that team, take a go at it. So we'd stop tiring her out.

They ordered transport. And we prayed. It also happened that a priest had come by earlier. To pray, bring us communion, and to anoint her. So we prayed some more. I asked various people to pray. And right now, they are downstairs.

But my Mom is so brave. She needs this test to confirm the type of cancer that is present. And so they know how to move forward. I know my Mom was scared. I saw the shaking hands. The silent tears that escaped her eyes. And I heard it in her voice. But when her tech walked in the room, she told her, "Let's do this."

My strong Mom is out there being strong. She's so brave. And she's a fighter. Boy is she a fighter! Please keep her in your prayers. I don't normally document these things on here. But I want you to know, my Mom is brave. And we're going to fight this fight together. 

As a caregiver, I might cry. Like today. In the stairwell. Because my Mom was in so much pain. And trying to be brave. Not asking for meds. I might cry, when the doctor says something. And I'm so grateful we have to wear these masks. That absorb all my silent tears. That I hope I'm hiding...but they're probably falling anyway. 

I've been trying to practice some self care. Even here at the hospital. Sunrise walks around the hospital. Visiting the little bunnies in the garden...2 or 3 times a day. Running up and down 6 flights of stairs...4 times. At least twice a day. Little things. Taking a few minutes to shower. Also allowing myself to feel things as they're happening. Even if I cry in the stairwell. I'm not ashamed. I know this is hard. I know we have a long road. And I know I'm only human. I just hope...I'm half as brave as my Mom. 💜

Sometimes We Crack

To be honest, I thought I was going to meltdown today. The Hospitalist came in. Had a very serious look on his face. And told me to sit down. He had some serious things to talk about. I literally thought I was going to throw up. 

It's hard going through another Cancer Journey. Having the history with my Dad can be good and bad. It prepares us for what's next. But then...we sort of know what's coming next. It's like having Cancer PTSD. Is that a thing? 

So there is this spot on the base of my Mom's head. Where your head sits on your spine. She's going to need a Lumbar Puncture. My Mom is so anxious about everything. And doesn't want to talk about anything. It makes me nervous. And she doesn't seem 100% after yesterday. So I pray everything is going to be OK.

There is still no concrete reason for such a high white blood count. The oncologist and the doctor that performed the bone marrow biopsy both told us her cancer is accelerating. But not active enough to be concerned. But Dr. Iggy gets me all nervous.

Tells me it's the cancer. And there is probably a lymphoma along with her 2 leukemias. Her brain bleed looks to be improving. As do her kidneys. But there is just so much. And then I look across the courtyard...and remember it hasn't yet been 2 years...since she almost died. Here. In the ICU.

I know how precious life is. I've watched my Dad as he crossed over. I've watched my Mom fight...for nearly 5 years now. I know...anything can happen. But it's a lot to bare. All by myself. Especially when my Mom's anxiety was so high. The MRI here...just totally struck something in her. And last night was so rough. Her anxiety after Dr. Iggy's visit got worse. And the anticipation of another test...has her near the edge.

Her oncologist came to visit her. He calmly explains the lumbar puncture to her. Tries to reassure her. He gets down to her level. To really talk to her. Look her in the eyes. It's so reassuring to her. It calms me down. Because I know he really does care.

After he left, my Mom was doing a bit better. But still super anxious. Then the nurse and I tried to get her to lay on her side. Trying to get her to her stomach. The nerves got worse. Her pain got worse. Dr. Iggy said she had to have this test. Emotions were high.

I told the nurse I was going to the bathroom. In reality, I sat in the stairwell and cried. And that's OK. Sometimes you have to let the feelings out. You need to just feel what is going on. I like to do it away from my Mom. So she doesn't see when I'm struggling. I want her to lean on me.

It's just been an emotional day. Soon we'll try again. And see if she can get on her belly. For the 30 minutes they'll need her to. She is so strong. I know she can do it. And because I know she can do it...I know I can remain strong for her. Because honestly, she doesn't really have anyone else to lean on. So I have to be strong. 💜

Grateful

I can't think of any other word. Grateful just seems appropriate. We had the BEST tech yesterday. She went over and beyond. Changed all the bedding. Helped me shower my Mom. Got me linens. So I could shower. Even made sure no one came to our room...so I didn't have to rush in the shower. Made sure I had everything I needed to nap. 

Renee checked on us all day. Emptied the hat...because they've been monitoring my Mom's output. She brought fresh ice water every couple of hours. Took the food trays promptly. Emptied the trash. And when my Mom started to be really nauseous...she tried everything to help her and calm her.

Last night we got another really good tech. And an outstanding nurse. I stay at the hospital at night...to help as much as possible. Because I personally know both sides. And if I can help take my Mom to the restroom, make her comfortable, or help her eat...why not? It frees everyone else up...for the patients that need more care.

But our nurse last night...was on it! She didn't let the IV pump beep more than twice before she was in the room. She stayed ahead of my Mom's pain. Was so super quiet and attentive. After 1AM....she was the one taking my Mom to the bathroom. So I could rest.

This morning we found out...they were short staff last night. But you would have never known. She was so good at her job. And going over and above. My heart was so grateful. She didn't make my Mom feel bad...because she needed pain meds. Or wanted jello at 3AM. Or when she asked for new socks. Jessica was so happy to help.

Today we have 2 other amazing people. Shawn was a tech 7 years ago when my Dad was in the hospital. He is so good! I learned so many tricks from him. On how to take care of my Dad. Things that made it easier for both my Dad and I. He's a great guy. And our nurse Megan...she seems amazing! Came in with the best attitude. 

I'm so grateful when you get people like this on your team. Honestly all day yesterday, we felt like they were trying to throw us out. The Hospitalist wanted to know why the nephrologist wouldn't OK the MRI. Because it's the only thing keeping us here. And apparently, they need the bed. It seemed as though there was a bit of a difference of opinion going on. But Christine doesn't back down to anyone. She has been a great addition to our team. Whenever I'm feeling uncertain about something...I ALWAYS ask Christine. I really value her opinion. 

Today I am just grateful for these amazing people. Along with my Mom's oncologist, her physical therapists, and the cardiac team. They take the edge off of things. Like I don't have to second guess what's going on. We've had them on our team for so long. We've been through so much. It just feels right. I can breathe and let them do their jobs. I can take a few days, to just be. To be attentive to my Mom's needs. And not be worrying about her care. I'm so grateful for these people, that God has put on our path. 💜