Would You Change Your Name?

With my friend's upcoming wedding...there has been a lot of marriage talk lately. Can you believe I was voted, "Most likely to get married and have kids first"...as a high school senior? I'm more like the "Last Woman Standing."

I didn't date in high school. My parents just didn't believe in that sort of thing. I was also preoccupied with school and school activities. A couple of weeks into college...I almost got married. To a man I wasn't dating. I'd known for a few short weeks. I was attracted to him...but we didn't know each other. In all honesty, we were trying to find a way to pay for college. Because it's expensive! And who wants to take out loans? Especially since I now had a mortgage.

You read that right. I was 18 years old. Had been living alone in my 3 bedroom home for nearly 3 months. Hundreds of miles from anyone I knew. Struggling to pay for college. Which I never wanted to attend. I wanted to go to design school. Secretly I wanted to get married and have 12 babies. Live on a Ranch.

So I met a boy. Technically a man. Who was a musician like myself. We had a lot in common. And we heard about his friends who'd recently gotten married...and wait for it! College was completely paid for, for the newlyweds. Some loophole at the time, in our state.

So we devised a plan. Get a marriage license between rehearsals on Tuesday. Which meant going to the Student Health Center on Monday. Before our gig on Friday, we'd go to the Courthouse. And get married. We'd live in our separate homes. He lived about 1/2 mile down the road from me. And when we had our home interview...we'd stage it. Move some of his stuff into my home. In all honesty, all of our stuff combined, still wouldn't have filled up half of my house. Neither of us had much furniture. 

Little did we realize...we are both very traditional chicanos. 

The day came. We were in our trajes. Had one hour and an appointment, before we had to hit the road to go work. In the desert...we were having the worst rainstorm of the year. Water was gushing down the roads. And my pal...was very sweet. Had gone to a Pawn Shop. Bought 2 very simple rings. Brought some roses. Hit the, "Something new, something old, something borrowed, and something blue." Carried me into the Courthouse. So I wouldn't get wet. 

And we waited. 18 year old me. Sitting there, waiting to marry a 21 year old man. That I'd known for 2 weeks. I luckily knew his last name. But not much else. He played the guitar. Was getting a business degree. And was a fan of hats. In the end, the judge was running late. And we had a paying gig to get to. We left. Said we'd try again in a week or two. But fate intervened. 9/11 happened. The entire world changed. Eventually my friend got a scholarship through a local tribe. And your girl, spent her college years living alone, in that 3 bedroom home. With a mortgage that stressed me out, more than finals and clinicals combined!

At different times of our lives, we'd both regret leaving the Courthouse unmarried. But we both know now, that had we gotten married, it would have been for good. We would have had those 12 babies. And lived on his family's Ranch. But neither of us would have finished college. He wouldn't have chased his dreams. And accomplished so much in his career. And who would have taken care of my parents? Maybe this was the way it was meant to be. Just friends. With a funny story to share.  

Ironically, we'd try to date later. Long distance. We'd almost kill each other. My calm self, would launch a stiletto in his direction. He'd launch a 5 carat engagement ring into the Atlantic. We wouldn't speak for 5 years? And now, it's his baby brother that's getting married. Neither of us are married. Or dating. Maybe I'm just meant to be alone forever. 

But their older sister, asked me something that got me thinking...

When you get married...will you change your last name? Two things big sis...If I ever get married. Because honestly, I'm currently traveling a dead end road. And I'm pretty sure that I'll never figure out how to navigate dating or having any sort of relationship. I'm being brutally honest here. I'm 40 years old...and I can't even figure out how to make a friend. The people I talk to most every week, are the security guards were I volunteer. Oh and my trashman.

I had my head stuck in books for too long. My parents had certain expectations. Oh, and the pandemic happened...the entire world changed. I'm incredibly shy. And unsure of myself. In that aspect. So marriage? You'd need to date first. Probably on some level be friends before that. I just don't have those life skills. I wish there were arranged marriages in my culture. Maybe I'm too old? Too independent at this point. Maybe not pretty enough. 

I am very much a traditionalist. In a ton of ways. I believe women should have dreams and careers. But in the deepest part of my heart, I feel like once you get married and have kids, you should be home. Making a home. Taking care of things for your husband...the provider. Spending time with your children. Loving and nurturing your family. Probably because I didn't have that growing up.

My parents owned a business. My entire life. I was left alone a lot. A lot! Or with my grandparents or one of my aunts. I didn't have siblings or cousins near my age. So I hungout with a lot of grownups. Mostly elderly people. In a very traditional neighborhood. It's the life I always wanted. Not sure when I took such a HUGE detour...

I spent my 20s in college. Struggling. Working 100 different jobs at once. Bought a home and paid it off. My 20s were all about work. I figured my 30s would be all about having fun. I'd date then. I'd have a solid career. I'd have time. I could find love. Have those babies I always dreamed of. And create the close family that I never had. But my Dad got sick. Then my Mom. And one day, I woke up and they were both gone. I was alone. And near 40. 

So now I'm highly skeptical that I'll ever be married. I never dreamed of a big wedding. I was more like the girl that was in 150 weddings. I've donated so many bridesmaid's dresses, that the local charity shop thought I owned a business. But that has been my solid role in life. Help my friends find spouses. Plan their weddings. Be in said weddings. Then be the Godmother to at least one of their babies. My favorite part has been, all the beautiful Goddaughters. And now my one Godson. I do have friends. We just live 100s if not 1000s of miles apart. At one point of my life, I made some friends. Even if I can't figure out how to make a friend...in the city where I currently live. 

I used to joke with my Mom. That I was going to find me a Maintenance Man in the hospital. We'd get married during our lunch break. At the Courthouse. By a JP, instead of a priest. I'd wear my scrubs. And we'd go eat in the hospital cafeteria after. My Mom was devasted! None of her kids got married or had babies in her lifetime. She dreamt of the big weddings and all that stuff for me. She'd tell me, to at least let her know beforehand. So my parents could be there. I worked about 4 hours away from my parents' home. They'd need a little time to get there. 

And now? Well, I feel like I'm too old for the big wedding. Are there things I'd like...if I potentially got married? Yes! Many traditions from my culture and faith are so beautiful. But I feel like I have 5 family members who are still alive. That's what happens when you're the baby of 9. And cancer blows up your family. 

So would I change my name? Maybe. A strong maybe. In a past lifetime, I'd say yes. I'd stay home. Be the house maker. Who cooks breakfast for her husband every morning. Packs him a healthy lunch. Stays home with her babies. Is involved with all the school stuff and activities. Cleans and does all those traditional roles. Including having a hot dinner on the table, every night. At least put one of my degrees to good use. 

But then there is this incredibly independent and resilient woman, who has survived so much! I feel like I should be twice my age. I put myself through college. I bought a home. I took care of my dying parents for 12 years...completely ALONE! That lady says...you're not taking my last name. My degrees were earned with my Maiden name. And I'm keeping those roots. Not changing it. Not hyphenating anything. Just keeping it. 

I'd also like to avoid the MVD and any future eye exams at all costs! So I'm keeping it. But I know, if I met the right man. If we had children in any capacity, I'd want us all to have the same name. If he was the bread winner and all that jazz...I'd definitely do it. Without a doubt...if children were involved.

Fun fact, my parents got married very quickly. They began dating in March. They took a road trip to Mexico. In April. And got married. It wasn't legal in the US. But to the two of them, they were married. I arrived the following March. And it wasn't until I was 5 years old...that I began to ask all the questions. I was very concerned with the fact...that we had different last names. While every other kid in my school, had the same last name as their parents. Both parents. It was the 80s. 

I harassed and harassed. By the beginning of December, my parents got married. A big wedding! I believe my Auntie and I planned the entire thing. She used to watch me when I was younger. I was even in my parents' wedding. It was the best day! I can still remember being so excited. Not by the beautiful dress or the delicious cake. But the fact that we all had the same last name.

If the time comes, and I know there will be no children. If I am working in my career. If my diplomas are being used. There is a very good chance, I'll keep my name as is. Even for this very traditional woman, there are some things worth fighting for. 

And some worth sacrificing. I feel like a woman who changes her name, should be taken care of. Almost like, if your husband is taking you on as his responsibility. Financial and physically. If you intend to have children. A name change is and should be expected. 

But if I'm basically just going to live my life, like I currently do. And I'm just adding in a partner. Well then, we're partners. If I'm contributing 50% of the financials, we have no children, why should I make that HUGE change? Life is just so different now. I mean, even the thought of dating...makes me want to stay single forever. Because the men out there dating now...they got one thing on their mind. That's it. They have no sense of loyalty or commitment. Forget being responsible for their kids...much less a wife!

The fact that they expect you to drive yourself to the date. Pay for yourself. Then have sex with them. Never to be heard from again. Nah. I'm just not into that. Remember I said I'm a traditionalist. I expect a little bit of courting. Some romance. For you to at least buy me dinner. Not judge me based solely on my appearance...meanwhile you're 30 lbs overweight. Get winded walking from the door to the table. And have no cash to even leave the staff a tip. No, I'm good. I can take myself out to dinner. Meanwhile, me and my chubby legs are running 5 miles a day. Not for looks. But for health. 

So Big Sis...I'm probably going to be single, childless, and with the same name forever. I ain't mad about it. Just disappointed, that this is where I let my life trainwreck into. Alone in a hole. Trying to adopt a baby. We'll talk about that...another day. For now, this single lady is going to enjoy 3 days of wedding fun. If nothing else, let me find a good dance partner. I need a little bit of fun in this life. 💜

He Must Think I'm Crazy...

Do you want to hear a funny story? As caregivers we do a lot for our loved ones. Some days are hectic and stressful. It's usually the day that our loved one, has some sort of doctor's appointment. Anyone else?

Like every other morning, I got up early. It's still dark outside early. Changed into some workout clothes. And headed to the trail for a run. I've recently found running again. It was a solid staple in my life before caregiving. But I've needed some stress relief lately. I'd started running in the summer. And it quickly became a great habit. Only to be sidelined when I got shingles this fall. So here I am. Running on the riverbank at the crack of dawn. Well before my Mom gets up in the morning. 

I came back all gross and sweaty. But feeling great. Don't you love physical activity? Then I tried to wakeup my Mom. Who had an early appointment with her Oncologist. I say early. But it was scheduled for 9AM. And it was a telemedicine appointment. Honestly, those stress me out more than normal appointments. Because so much can go wrong. It was still technically early for my Mom. So I knew it would be a bit challenging.

My Mom didn't want to wake up. I still had to get her showered, dressed, and fed. I needed to feed the dogs. And send them outside. Which would still cause dramatics. Because they don't realize they're dogs. And if I keep them inside, they'll do nothing but bark when they hear the doctor. Because my Mom's dog HATES men! 

I know this out of experience. Because she tried to attack the phone. Once while we were having an appointment with a cardio fellow. Then I couldn't get her outside. So we ended the call. I got her outside. And the doctor had to call us back. Never again folks. Those 2 will have to go outside. 

Isn't it bad enough that we don't have WIFI at home. So we use my phone. Instead of a tablet or laptop. And my Mom can't hold it. Because of her broken arm. So I have to set something up. To have the phone high enough to see her face. Loud enough for me to hear. So I know what is going on. If I have to make appointments, take her for a test, etc. 

We finally make it through a shower. I'm now drenched. Anyone who has ever had to wear a wet sports bra...knows it took forever to maneuver out of that. So I throw on my nightgown. Clip my hair up. Get my Mom dressed. Comb her hair. And provide her with Huevos Mexicanos, coffee, and a tortilla. I'm a total wreck. Trying to feed the dogs. My Mom's dog...of course is fighting me. Won't eat. But won't leave her food. 2 minutes until appointment time...I'm praying the doctor is running late. Because I have one dog sitting on my Mom's lap, another ready to bite me. And my Mom hasn't eaten much.

I'm literally sweating. And then we get the call before the appointment. From the office. 5 minutes. OMG! Someone come and rescue me. I manage to get my dog outside. And now my Mom is fighting with her dog. As I attempt to bribe her. She's finally heading out the door. And either her or my Mom, drops my Mom's coffee and my phone. No time for this...

I get the dog outside. I'm cleaning up the coffee. Making a new cup. Trying to get my Mom to eat more breakfast before her appointment. Or she won't eat. Because it will be cold. And she remembers she hasn't had her morning meds. Me silently praying the doctor has to take a break or something before calling us.

She's taking her pills, and we get the text to start the appointment. I'm in a full on sweat. My heart is racing. And my Mom now wants me to sit next to her for the appointment. Um, I have a face mask on. That I should have rinsed off about 45 minutes ago. In my nightgown...a bit of TMI here. But I'm being real. No bra. My hair in a hot mess on top of my head. No thanks Mom. Let me just set this up for you and I'll be on the other side of the phone. 

I'm pretty sure the doctor may have gotten an unexpected look at something. As I was trying to make the stupid connection work. Then they got to chatting. And I got to prepping a chicken for the dogs. And one for our dinner. Whole chickens. 

The two of them are chatting away. I don't really know what about. As I now have my hands up the backside of a chicken. Stuffing it with oranges and herbs. When I hear, "Where is Desiree?" And I see my Mom reach for the phone. My panic stricken face. I think she thought twice. I know what she was going to do. Whip the phone around so I could say Hello.

And it happened to be one of those appointments when he needed to chat to us both. I was listening to the plan. My Mom was asking questions. I'm also covered in chicken juices. As I'm trying to finish what I'm doing. And not make any noise by going to wash my hands. I also can't leave the kitchen...because I might miss something from the appointment. 

I think the doctor realized these are probably not the best sort of appointments for us. My Mom has had a couple with him. But at the end of this appointment...he told her, "I'll see you in the office from now on." Thank goodness! Because she'll get up earlier then. And we have to physically be somewhere else. So I don't have to fight with her. And the dogs. And well, I'll have my bra on. So I can talk to the doctor. 

I know. That sounded weird. But it was a weird day. As they were saying their goodbyes, I ran to wash my hands. Hoping my Mom wouldn't pick up the phone. But who knows. When I got back, she was still connected to the call. Maybe he got a look at my 2 chickens. In their pans. On the counter. Or the stack of folded laundry on the chair next to the couch where my Mom was. Maybe even...the box of Christmas decorations. Because I had literally just taken down the Christmas tree. Before I went on my run.

Not all the telemedicine appointments are so crazy. OK, about a year ago, I bought a new phone. Because of the telemed appointments. Got home. My Mom was having an appointment with rheumatology. The phone would not work. We missed the appointment. Just my luck. Every appointment with cardiology has gone smoothly. Since the dog incident. And I actually sit in with my Mom. Because I usually have to take her vitals for them. But for whatever reason...Oncology and these appointments don't sit well for us. Last January, my Mom also had one. In which she dropped my phone into the Christmas Tree. I just don't know. Just glad it's over. This man also probably thinks I'm a nut!

They Want Him to Look at What?!?!?!

About 2 weeks ago, I started to not feel well. I didn't know what was wrong. I actually called my Doctor's office. To see if I could go in. And I got the whole..."If it's not an emergency, go to Urgent Care. If it's an emergency go to the ER." On my Sunday hike with my dog, I fell asleep on a bench. On the river trail. I barely made it home. Something was wrong. 

Then I woke up over a week ago, and I just knew it. I had shingles. I went to an Urgent Care/ER. And sure enough. Got diagnosed. Immediately called the Cancer Center. Talked with Nurse A. Then panicked. All while waiting in line at Walgreen's for my prescriptions.

Not only is my Mom on chemo. She's never had the chicken pox. We needed to be separated immediately. And I had no other place to go. Or anyone to watch my Mom. After about 2 hours, my Aunt agreed to take her. 

It's been crazy! Over a week now. The initial blisters were healing. And then I got a second outbreak. I called my PCP immediately. Got the run around about not having any available appointments. We've gone to him since 2012? I've only seen one other patient in his office. Ever! Demanded to talk to him. And he told me to go to the ER. 

I called the Cancer Center. Again! Talked to Nurse A again. She told me she'd call the prescribing physician to get another round of meds. Gave me an entire list of things to watch for. She panicked when I told her they were crossing the midline. "Can you come into the office? In an hour. I can fit you into see Dr. N. He can take a look and see if you need to do anything else." She wanted me to go in. Because she knows about my PCP. Same as my Mom's. And she didn't want me to wait at the ER. 

She gave me all these instructions about getting there. Calling the office. And someone would meet me. Because they didn't want me around the oncology patients. I cried like a big baby. Told her I didn't want to go in. I thought I'd be OK. Honestly the next 24-48 hours were the worst. The pain. I had a fever. I slept most of the time. I set a timer, so I would take my meds. I didn't eat. Forced myself to drink 2 glasses of water every time I took my meds. I couldn't wear clothes...because it hurt so bad. And they were coming so close to crossing over...

Fast forward a few days. And things are healing. I was told I needed to be cleared by a physician. To be able to take care of my Mom again. So I call Nurse A again. And she gives me the same instructions. And I burst into tears. 

"What's wrong honey? He's a good doctor. Don't worry."

"Nurse A, they're from my armpit all the way around my breast. To the middle of my body. I still can't wear a bra. If he examines me now. How am I supposed to have serious conversations about my Mom later. I know I sound like a prude. And he probably won't care. Heck, I don't care if a male nurse or another male doctor examines me. But Dr. N. I can't. I'll just go to Urgent Care."

"Honey, it's OK. He's a professional."

"But I can't Nurse A. I CAN'T. I know you are trying to help me. But I swear to you...it's all I'll think about."

"I respect that. Let me find someone else."

Meanwhile, I'm thinking I'm crazy! He is a professional. Imagine how many breasts he's seen. Whether at work...or otherwise. But it was just too much for me. In the past, when I've had back issues. I could careless if it was a man or woman who was helping with X-rays. One time, I physically couldn't undress myself. And asked the male tech to help me. I didn't care. But this is different...

When it's someone you know. And will see again. Many times. Whom you have great respect for. It's a bit different. Maybe I am just a prude. Eventually I got examined and cleared. I picked up my Mom on my way home. Never been so happy to see her! And all is well. Dr. N didn't have to see my shingled breast.

In case anyone is wondering. I'm still in my 30s. Not eligible for the Shingles Vaccine. I was also told, stress brought about this outbreak. So my fellow caregivers. Please try to not be too stressed out. I've dealt with a lot in my life. But darn. Shingles was painful! And I basically couldn't function for 2 weeks. So if you can get the vaccination...please do!

Hospital Life Lately...

Where do I start? This hospitalization has been so challenging. It's the first time my Mom is an actual Oncology patient in the Oncology Unit. That has made it a bit easier. If you've spent a significant time in the hospital...you will understand. My Dad spent so much time in the hospital. And anytime we weren't in oncology...it was the worst! 

With my Mom, she has been in normal units. As well as ICU and the CCU. Normal or stepdown units are horrible! So I'm relieved to be here. In this space. With caring people. Knowing we will see her doctor every day. And ironically, we're here. During his hospital rotation. Makes things easier. And my Mom isn't fighting to go home. Because she trusts her doctor. Heck, even Dr. I has been nice this time around. 

But my Mom has had a number of procedures. New and old. It takes me roughly an hour to get home. So I can feed the dogs and clean up after them. Another hour back. I quick trip home...is usually 3+ hours. And my Mom hates for me to leave her. So it's tough. And she can't have any other visitors because of COVID-19 restrictions. I've tried leaving enough food and water...so I only go home every 2-3 days. 

The challenging part for me. Has been trying to get my timing right. The doctors don't round at a set time any longer. Did COVID-19 change things? I've been going on runs, early in the morning. I found a nice trail near the hospital. But then, I don't know when to shower. Because the nurse and the techs have different shift changes. And they like to hear from me during that time. So basically I just sit here for 2 hours. Then I'm trying to beat the doctors. The Oncologist and the Hospitalist come at completely different hours. The nephrologist also comes by. 

Since I've been running...I don't want to smell. But at the same time, when do I race in for my 5 minute shower? Every day I've been caught by one doctor or nurse. I'm usually in the shower. Today, I'd just gotten out. And was about to get dressed. My naked body right next to the glass door. When I'm in the shower...I will figure out a way to get dressed in there. But, well...

At the Main Hospital I wouldn't care. They have real doors. Here everything is glass. I mean it's a frosted glass door separating the room and the bathroom. I hope Dr. N didn't see anything. But who knows. At this point, I'm just happy to be clean. And that my Mom is improving. But really. Why was he so early today? Hopefully he was busy doing doctor things and didn't notice me fighting to get dressed in that small space.

I dressed as fast as possible when I heard him talking. And I came out to see him kneeling to talk with my Mom. Soaking hair. No socks on. But at least I was dressed. Maybe we get to go home this week? Hopefully. Because I doubt Dr. N will be here much longer. And my Mom isn't going to want to stay past that point. I'm just saying.

On top of all of this. I'm pretty sure he saw my underwear last week. I was getting ready to take a shower, when he came to see my Mom. With the NP. I was trying to help her with something. And he went to the bathroom to get something for us. Ya, all my stuff was sitting on the sink. Just life in the hospital. I guess. I'm ready to go home and peacefully shower. Maybe cook a meal.

If we're here much longer. I'm going to have to get a better schedule. When my Mom was in the ICU almost 2 years ago. Dr. P and I came up with a schedule. When he'd get here in the morning...at 4AM. He'd sit outside the room. So I could have 10 uninterrupted minutes. He wasn't letting anyone in the room, unless my Mom was having an emergency. I greatly appreciated that. We were also in the hospital for almost 6 weeks? 

I don't ask for much when I tag along with my Mom. I want her to get the best care. And as long as I can take a 5 minute shower and brush my teeth...I'm a happy lady. Total bonus if I can get decent food. At this particular location...the cafeteria is horrible. And I'm afraid to leave before lunch time. So I'm just eating dinner. By now, you'd think I'd buy myself some snacks to hide in the closet. Your girl is living on iced tea...and dinner. But I can benefit from dropping a few pounds.